Aug 7: Being Orange Has No Age Limit

Happy Saturday morn, tators!!! Your girl is bright eyed and bushy tailed today; up by 7am, out the door to run by 7:30am, and back at my casa by 9am. So much done today and it is still early!

Well...
I went to a new salon to get my piggys and fingers done because my main-girl left my old salon (NOTE: I was not sad to move salons, my old salon switched owners and the vibe was stank!!!). So, my girl "B" and I were chattin' it up when someone walked in.

The first thing that caught my eye...
was the color of her skin; it was not a golden bronze BUT a fluorescent ORANGE, like the color of Sunkist soda!!! She sported an out-of-date royal blue Juicy Couture sweat outfit with Juicy spread out across her buttocks in rhinestones with the matching jacket. On her feet were platform black flip-flops; Juicy too (NOTE: I could tell because of the little golden-charm bow hanging from the strap). Her hair was Old-Skool Jersey huge and blonder than blond can possible be!!! I was thinking wig or major weave!

However...
Upon further inspection, I realized that this person was not a not-so-well-kept-southern-bell, but a much older not-so-well-kept-southern-bell!!! This hen was about 70 if she was a day! And to top off the outfit was a pair of extra-large white sunglasses.

Next...
Ms Thang gingerly sat herself down on the bench and carefully took off her flops and placed them on the bench next to her. Then I heard the crinkle. She picked up a Publix shopping bag; not the reusable one but the kill-the-world-with-more-plastic one. I did not notice the bag when she walked in, probably because I was so infatuated with her unnatural glow!

She...
leaned forward to the nail tech and proceeded to shout (NOTE: I figured by the volume of her voice that she probably was half or more deaf), "I DO NOT WANT TO WEAR MY GOOD SANDALS OUT, I WANT TO WEAR THESE!" And out she whipped a pair of white platform terry cloth covered flip-flops that were stained orange! I had to contain my giggles!!! Then she yelled, "THE COLOR IS FROM MY SELF-TANNER; IT LOOKS SO GOOD ON ME BUT NOT SO GOOD ON THE SHOES!" At this, I almost fell off the bench. Now, My nail-tech did not know what I was getting all giddy about and she kept mouthing, "WHAT!" but I could not tell her because it would draw attention to my amusement and because "B" was doing my toes, she could not get a real good look-see at Mrs. Orange nor could she really understand what she was sayin despite the volume of her voice because of the running water in my toe tub.

And then...
After the white platform flops came out, next was a bottle of Bud! She proceeded to shout, "THIS IS FOR ME TO RELAX, I HAVE HAD SUCH A DAY." And with that she popped the top and proceeded to chug the beer. With a satisfied, "AHHH," she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand leaving a bright pink stain from her lipstick, and then picked another Bud out of the bag. "I'VE GOT 2 MORE AFTER THIS ONE," she shouted at her nail tech.

With that said...
My nail tech finally looked over and her mouth fell agape. Then she looked at me and whispered, "Is she for really?!" To which I answered, bless her heart she sure is!!!

Enjoy the weekend, tators!

And, I am out!

August 4: I'm BAAAACCCKKK!!!

Yes, I have been away; leaving my beloved tators hangin', but now I am back, and better than ever!!! Why have I've been away?

Well...
Life has simply gotten in the way of everything! As many of you know, Carl lost his source of income and our lives have been in limbo (NOTE: If the real limbo is anything like the limbo I am currently experiencing, it really SUCKS!). We do not know if,where, when, who , and how we are moving (NOTE: That depends on the employment he finds). Helen-Ellen is still not feeling 100% up to par (NOTE: I hope that she starts feeling like her old self soon, because honestly I am a bit tired of going down to Death's-Door, Florida).

Anywho...
Things in Hot-Lanta have been anything but lame. The first thing that comes to mind is this god-forsakin heat!!! Carl-E and I have been crawling out of bed at 6am, so we can be at the park to run by 7am. However, by the time we get there, it is already 80 degrees, without the humidity. Now, for my FL Tataors, Atlanta humidity is worse!!! We do not get the afternoon showers that you oh so enjoy every day. The humidity just hangs in the air and suffocates you in its clammy grasp!!! I cannot wait for fall; if it ever comes!

Let's talk about...
GRASS!!! My front lawn looks like a the coat of a leopard; spotted!!! When we thought we were moving to Orlando, Carl-E ripped up part of the front lawn and replanted. It looked like a lush green, high-pile carpet. And then summer came and destroyed it! It was like summer was a scorn girl and the lawn was her cheatin, lyin, troll of a BF and she went toal ape-sh-ite on his ass! We tried to save it by watering, but when the City of Hot-Lanta sends you a water bill for over 800 dollars (NOTE: Yes, I said over 800 dollars), I say, f*&% it, let it die a slow miserable death in this heat)! So, my lawn looks like crap and you know what, I really do not care! That 800 dollars can be used for a perfectly good pair of shoes, ya know?!

Ok, so...
Carl-E has been using my computer because he got another virus on his new laptop. I have had my PC for almost 9 years and have never gotten a virus (NOTE: Now, I will probably get the mega-virus of all virus!!!). He has had his lap top for less than 8months and he managed to get a really nasty virus (NOTE: He swears he was not looking at any adult sites, I say "Whatever!"). Now he has to share my PC. What makes this so funny is that he was totally ripping on how slow my computer is and out old it is and how blah, blah, blah!!! Karma is a bee-otch because he has to pay beau coup bucks to get his lap top fixed and he had to apologize to my PC (NOTE: My PC has not fully forgiven him, but is letting him us it because he needs to find a J-O-B!)

On the other hand...
I promise that I will not let so much time go in between posts. I am determined to blog more than ever, because many funny things have been a-happening, but to be honest, I just have not had the mental energy to write. But, now I am back so look out BABY!!!

And, I am out!

June 7: There She Goes

Well, tators I have been MIA for a while and I know you have all been waiting with baited breath for my next post. Sorry to keep you waiting, but this girl's life has been turned up-side-down, shaken and stirred, and just plane messed up. Let's just say that a wrench has been tossed in to this person's machine in a BIG way!

So...
To start things off Helen Ellen; my mother-in-law became ill. She has problems with cronic pain and is on some heavy duty meds that an addict would sell their soul for. However, the meds were not working causing her to be in serious pain and also not acting right, such as, short term memory loss, shaking, and weakness. She was getting so strange that she would start speaking Spanish even though she knows no one speaks it. Carl-E and put on our super hero capes, flew down to Florida, and jumped in to the situation. After many dr's visits, her medican has been adjusted and she seems to being much better.

In the mean time...
While Carl-E and I were traveling back and forth to Florida trying to get Helen Ellen better, Carl-E began thinking he was going to lose his job. Now, Carl-E is totally kick-ass at his job and just got a new CFO that he actually liked, so for him to think he was going to lose his job was ridiculous. But, his spidey sense must of been a tingling, because while I was at Helen Ellen's trying to get her back to normal, he was let go.

Now...
We do not know what we are going to do about Orlando. We had it all set to move back this August, but without a job; why move. So, I think I am stuck in Hot-Lanta a bit longer.

Anywho...
That's where I am at tators; my husband is home and every day feels like a Saturday, my mother-in-law is doing better no thanks to my sister-in-law, and I almost forgot I have a new kitty; Van Gogh. He is the cutest little baby! He has a notch out of his ear that is why he is named Van Gogh. Godiva is not too crazy about the newest addition, she like to chase him around to show him who is boss.

Well.
I gots to get to the laundry because now that my hubby is home I have more to do than ever!


And I am out!

may 10: this, that, and the other one

Well, I am sitting here in boring Bradenton, Florida waiting to take Helen Ellen to the dr's. Bradenton is not the cultural meca of the universe you might think it is; actually I think it is the world's suckiest city!

Anywho...
As many of you know Carl-E and I are moving back to O-Town in the summer. Of course we cannot wait for the cooler days of my favorite season, fall. No! It has to be the blazing hot days of the year! At least, we do not have to do all the moving ourselves, I did convince him that we are no longer in college and we cannot pay our friends in pizza and beer to move us we need to hire a company. Yippy, that I do not have to lug the couch out to the UHaul!!!

So...
We are trying to sell our house using Buy Owner, and so far no go!!! I have had 4 calls on the house; one call the lady rudely hung up on me once she heard the price, the other people wound up being my nosy neighbors who are looking to "down-size," and the others could not stop oooing and awwwing over my casa, but no offers. Basically this Buy Owner things sucks!!! I want an agent like yesterday hate having to be home and waiting with baited breath for the phone to ring. I feel like I am back in high school waiting for my weekly crush to ring me up, but it never happens!!! I am experiencing that lowly feeling of rejection all over again. I find myself asking, well myself, "Isn't my house pretty enough?",and "What does the house down the street have that mine does not?" I guess I will have to wait for that one special buyer that will look past my casa's exterior appearance and see it for what it really is; a beautiful home.

And I am outta here!

April 20: Tea for 78 Please

Good morning, tators! Well it is overcast and a bit rainy in the ATL. I do not mind, because I have a whole bunch on the CP (NOTE: That's "Carrieann's Plate" that Carl-E creates at the beginning of the week) that needs to be done indoors. Casa Gillert should go on the market by next week; look out O-Town I am getting close to coming back!!!

Well...
As far as Dublin, the rest of the trip went well, except for Friday. It poured, cats, dogs, sheep, and cattle. In addition, Carl-E had to work. Yes, I said, "Work!" Well, his Blackberry charge was gone and he had to use the hotel phone to call the US at $50 a pop! Thank goodness he gets reimburse for that because he made about 10 calls.

But...
before he was going to make his 11th call, I had an idea about the Blackberry. I went to the front desk and asked if they had a charger. They did, but it did not work with his Blackberry; it was that whole European voltage change thingy. But, the front desk did inform me that we did have an "American" outlet in our room. So, like usual I saved the day and a bunch of money!

Anywho...
The following week back, I had a tea with my woman's club. Now, I did not want to be in charge, but somehow I got suckered in and I did have a so-called co-chair. The tea was scheduled for Sunday, with decorating on Saturday. Now, we had no budget left for flowers, so one of the members suggested we clip flowers from "around town." I was like "No way am I going all James Bond-style snipping flowers." So, as far as I was concerned we had no flowers for center pieces, and my co-chair had no suggestions either; what a help she was.

Come Saturday...
I get to the place to decorate. Everyone is supposed to be there at 1. Being Miss Punctuality I got there at 12:30. I begin to fold the damn napkins (NOTE: I had to do 100), and time begins to tick by...finally at 1:30 the other start to show up. And one had buckets and buckets of flowers. She actually drove around and cut other people's flowers in the middle of the night!!!

So...
Now we are jammin on the decorating. The flowers actually looked nice, despite that fact that they are stolen! I go into the kitchen to test out the new burners to boil the water for the tea. The burners are electric and heat water super-duper fast. I look for the pots, and cannot find them. Well, you need pots to boil water. So, I ask one of the other ladies, let's call her "Know-All" informs me that there are no pots and I will have to bring one from home. Ok then, no test run!

Now...
it is Sunday. We are supposed to be at the house by 12:30 because that is when the caterer is to show up. Well, just like Saturday I am the only one on time. Armed with my huge chili pot, I am ready to see these burners in action. I fill the pot, put it on top of the burner, turn on the burn and wait for the magic to begin; and nothing, except for a "F9" message. And if you do not know, F9 means error!!! So, now I start to freak out just a tad.

I walk...
myself up to the house manager and ask her if she knows how to work the burners. She just stairs at me with a blank look and then blurts "The burners have not worked since they were installed and 'Know-All' knows all about it" Ok that 411 I could of used YESTERDAY!

So...
a sudden calm comes over me and I sit on the stairs and basically say, "Fuck it!" No tea, only punch and water. Then, Know-All shows up and inquires why I am just sitting on the steps, so I relay the story to her. She just answers, "Oh" and then informs me that the pot I have is the wrong type; you can only use stainless steel. I own two pots, for for chili and one for soup, neither is stainless steel.

Ok...
I am thinking; this is ridiculous. Next, an hour late is my so-called co-chair. And why was her tush and hour late? She was busy trying on dresses at Dillard's and could not find one she liked, so she had to go all the way back home to get another dress for the tea. And, she had the nerve to ask me why I am sitting on the stairs. So, I relay the story to her. She replies with, "So what are you going to do?" To which I respond, "Nothing, we will have no tea, oh well."

Because ...
I am not a quitter, I walk into the kitchen and begin talking with the caterer. I tell her my tale of woe, and she comes up with an idea; let's use the coffee urns to make tea. Now, I know that the tea will have a slight coffee taste, but by this point I do not give two craps. The other ladies got their panties in a wad when they found out we are making tea in the coffee urns. To which I think, "Do you have a better idea?" To which I already knew the answer, "No!"

The ...
day was saved. The tea was a success, all thanks to moi!!!!

And I am out!

April 8: Thursday

Good morning to ya!!! Well, I have been home almost 4 days and I think I am still feelin jet lag; is that possible? My tired butt cannot get motivated to do anything today. But, I know how you all hangin by a thread to hear more about my trip, so I will not let you wait with baited breath anymore (NOTE: That would be very, very, cruel of moi)

So...
On Thursday, we ventured out to the Malahide Castle. It was a bus trip outside the city, so we got to see some of the country side. While getting out of the city, our bus driver told us we were passing through the ghetto and not to travel in part of town EVER!

Well...
I was expecting gun fights with AK-47's in the streets, car bombs blowing up store fronts, and houses on fire with people jumping out of the windows. It was so nothing like that, at all! Actually, if that part of town is the ghetto, I wanted to see the rich part of the city because the streets must be paved with gold and diamonds rain from the sky every day at 3pm! The "ghetto" had clean streets, no graffiti, no boarded up windows, no gang bangers, nada! It should get the national award for the nicest ghetto, EVER!

We...
Arrive at the castle. It was magnificent with peacocks and peahens running around the grounds. We were able to take a tour of the inside of the castle and found out there are two ghosts that live there. I was hoping to get a glance, but I saw nothing but really old furniture and lots of portraits of men with poofy white hair. Oh well, maybe they were off having tea.

After...
the bus tour Carl-E and I decided to tour the Jameson factory. Now, I dislike, no hate scotch with the biggest passion, so I was not excited about going. But, I sucked it up because I knew my man wanted to go. So, we embarked on the tour of the distillery and at the end we received a free glass of Jameson with any mixer that we wanted. Well, in Dublin they drink it with cranberry and lime. With mucho coaxing, I decided that since I was in Ireland I would drink the whiskey like the Irish do. Well, your girl has new fancy cocktail to drink. It was so delish, that after the tour, Carl-E hit the bar and I ordered another one. If you never had Jameson try it with cranberry and lime; you will soon be like me; a very happy expert of fine Irish whisky! Yummy, yummy in my tummy!!!

And I am out!!!

Next time...
THE RAIN!!!

April5: Back from the Iland of Green

Hey there, tators! I am back from the Green Island and I feel like poo-poo! I do not know if it is jet-lag or that I am getting sick. I feel as if I got smacked up side the head with a stick.

Anywho...
Carl-E and I had a fabu time on our adventure to Dublin. It is a wonderful little city, where everyone is super nice; I mean over-the-top nice. I think it is illegal to be mean in that city. And if you are mean; NO GUINESS FOR YOU!!!

So...
Carl-E and I got to the airport on Tuesday night, rearing and ready to go, go, go!!! So, before we board the plane armed with sleeping pills and bottles of H2O, I head to the ladie's room or toilet as they say abroad (NOTE: I realy hate calling it a "toilet"). While I am entering the stall, I hear the phone ring next to me. Now, if the phone rings and you are in the middle of "something" do you answer it? Well, she did. Oh my!!!! I was so appalled that I actually said, "That is nasty!" I do not know if she heard me or not, but really?! Icky-icky!!!!

After...
Carl-E downed a few vodka tonics and I a couple red vinos and a sleeping pill a piece, we were on our way to La-La land and Ireland!!! When we awoke we had a less than palatable breakfast and luke warm coffee, and then an hour later, we were in Dublin!

We...
hailed a taxi, got to our hotel, and crashed! After a three hour nap, we hit the town running. It was so cold, tators! It was around 35 degrees; burrrrrrrrrrrr!!! But being the experienced travelers that we are, we packed accordingly and were toasty in our fleeces and wool sweaters. First was Trinity College to see the famous Book of Kells. They are so beautiful, much more than in person than any art history book can reproduce. The colors are so vivid and the gold is so reflective. You cannot believe how old these books are!!!

Next...
was the anthropology museum where we saw the bog bodies! So cool. The bog bodies are mummified bodies that were found in bogs (NOTE: Hence the name "bog bodies"). They are super old, like thousands and their skin looks like old leather purses!!! You can see their hair, teeth, and nails. Way too cool!!!

After...
we ran around town, we settled down for a few pints of yummy Irish cold beer (NOTE: YES!!! they serve their beer cold!!!) and got to talking to Eddie; the bar tender. His favorite word was the f-bomb, is almost 50, and lives with his parents still, but was as nice as could be. Poor Carl-E could barley understand him, so every time Eddie walked away to take care of another customer, I translated for him! We intended to have a few drinks, but we wound up staying for like 4 hours!!!! After our bellies were full of Irish food and beer, we stumbled back to our hotels, and feel fast alseep!!!

More later, tators, I've gotts a ton of laundry to do!!!