Good day, tators! Well, I think that I am living in a dream...It is 60 fabu degrees, the sun is a shinning is warm goodness, and the birdies are a singing a sweet song. Yesterday, I was driving with my windows down in my car and enjoying every minute of it. However, I am sure the nightmare of gloomy Hot-Lanta winter weather is going to return, oh too soon.
Anywho...
Let's continue the story of Mad Marj's visit. Well, the next day I got up early and decided that I was going to tire HER out so SHE could not start any trouble. And, because my trainer killed me at the gym on Wednesday and running was not an option because everything from my waist down was in total achy pain, I made of up my mind that I would take HER for a very long walk; 3.1 miles.
Well...
the walk was successful; and SHE was pooped the rest of the day. All SHE really wanted to do was watch her soaps and talk on the phone to HER ex-husband that still lives with her (NOTE: Do not even ask!). So, I rinsed and repeated the whole walk thing the next day (NOTE: I still could not run because I still could not feel my lower limbs!). And it worked again!!! All my mortal life I searched for the secrete to wearing HER out so SHE could not bee-otch and all I had to do was walk her like a dog. Who knew?!
But...
Saturday, I was ready to run, barley, and SHE dug HER heals in and refused to walk anymore. So, Carl-E and I went for a run, and after that we decide to pick up breakfast.
And this is where everything fell apart...
I called HER up to ask HER what SHE wanted for breakfast. To which SHE replied a well done plain bagel. Now, from experience I know that SHE likes HER bagels practically charred. However, I also know from my travels that Einstien's does not make any bagel well done. I tried to explain to HER that HER bagel would not be well done. "Not Well Done" must of been the magic phrase because SHE flipped. "I WANT A WELL DONE BAGEL!!!" I tried to calm HER down, but if did not work, she just kept going on and on about how SHE knows that they have well done bagels, etc. etc. etc. I held the phone away from my ear so that Carl-E could partake in the ass-chewing I was receiving. Why should I have all the fun, right?!
So...
When we get to the shop, there was not a nearly well done bagel to be found. When we got home, the shee-ite hit the fan. SHE started yelling about how I did not try to get HER a well done bagel, and that I am disrespectful to HER, and blah, blah, blah!!! I just stood there and thought "What the fudge?!" And then, Carl-E stepped in and told HER that we did our best and SHE piped down. There is a God!!!
The plan...
for HER last day was to go to the movies. While at the movies (NOTE: DO not see Sherlock Holmes; it sucked), SHE huffed and puffed through the whole movie (NOTE: Due to these noises I just knew the bagel issue was not dead). When we get home, SHE brings the whole bagel issue up again, and then that leads into HER dragging up things from the past, such as how I could not wait to leave home as soon as I turned 18 (NOTE: True), and how I really did not want to see HER (NOTE: Kind of true) and so on and so forth. I just sat there slack jawed, and then my blood began to boil. Carl-E must of sensed something was going to go down because he tapped HER on the shoulder and told HER to calm down. SHE stopped talking but SHE continued to glare at me with rage in HER eyes!
The...
rest of the night I was quiet because every time I went to open my mouth Carl-E shot me a look as to say, "Do not go there!" SHE was pretty quiet too, except when she was gabbing to HER ex-husband (NOTE: They talk at least 8 times a day, and about what; who knows?!).
Next Morning...
SHE left really early, too early to start in again; at least I thought. As SHE was leaving SHE turned to me and said, "I know they have well done bagels!," and got in HER car. Damn HER for getting the last word!!!
Stick a fork in me because I am DONE!!!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
17 Jan: Only The Strong Survive!!!!
Bon Jour mes tators!!! Well it is Sunday, And I am proud to announce that your girl survived the visit of Mad Marj. There was a few shaky moments that I thought that my time on this mortal coil was over. However, I looked deep into my inner self and summoned the power to prevail; GO ME!!!
So...
Mad Marj arrived in a whirl-wind of furry and suitcases late Wednesday night. Why was SHE in such a tizzy? Because SHE got lost coming to moi casa.
Let's jump in our time machines; no pushing or shoving please...
Mad Marj was supposed to arrived around 8pm. Carl-E was not feeling too hot, so he took an Ambine and was off to La-La Land before the big hand was on the 8. So, this left me alone to face HER.
Well...
I was waiting, and waiting and waiting for HER to arrive. But the later it got, the more sleep-weepy I got; the eyes started to slowly close and the mouth began to go slack. And then my BlackCherry rang; when I looked at the time it was close to 10!!!
I...
answered my BlackCherry with a raspy, "Hello" and the response I received was "I AM LOST AND YOU DO NOT EVEN CARE BECAUSE YOU DID NOT CALL!!!" (Note: I used all caps to emphasise the wailing that was coming through the phone and slamming into my little precious ears). I apologized and said I would guide HER to my house.
However...
SHE could not tell me the major highway SHE just got off of. Now, tators, there are only two that SHE could of got off of; 400 and 85. But, in HER fantasy of madness, all SHE could keep yelling was how lost SHE was. I tried to calm HER down, but that fell on deaf ears.
Finally...
After 20 minutes of HER driving in circles (I assume), I finally got HER to pull over and describe to me what SHE saw. All SHE could get out is "I AM DOWNTOWN; THERE ARE BIG BUILDINGS EVERYWHERE!!!" I assured HER, the SHE was not downtown, but what the hell do I know, I only live in Hot-Lanta. After another 10 minutes of describing HER surroundings, my Spidey sense kicked in and I used the power of deductive reasoning to conclued HER location, because I am smart like that, ya know?!
Then...
When SHE finally recognized her surroundings, SHE got off the phone. I breathed a sigh of relief because I thought the crisis was over. WRONG!!! When SHE finally arrived, SHE was whipped in to a tail spin; ranting and raving about the traffic, the long ride (NOTE: Did I forget to mention that SHE drove by HERSELF from NJ?), and everything thing in between. I tried to tell her that Carl-E was asleep and to lower HER voice, but that did not work. However, my husband was out like a drunk after 8 bottles of vodk aand could not be woken by any sound, no matter how earthshaking it was. To be honest, I just could not take the screaching anymore.
Next...
I grabbed HER bags and brought them upstairs. Then I gently nudged HER up the stairs to HER room and said, I'll see ya in the morning." And then, I high tailed it to my room to get much needed quiet.
Next time...
The bagel that just would not die.
Holla at your girl!!!
Later fo' sho'
So...
Mad Marj arrived in a whirl-wind of furry and suitcases late Wednesday night. Why was SHE in such a tizzy? Because SHE got lost coming to moi casa.
Let's jump in our time machines; no pushing or shoving please...
Mad Marj was supposed to arrived around 8pm. Carl-E was not feeling too hot, so he took an Ambine and was off to La-La Land before the big hand was on the 8. So, this left me alone to face HER.
Well...
I was waiting, and waiting and waiting for HER to arrive. But the later it got, the more sleep-weepy I got; the eyes started to slowly close and the mouth began to go slack. And then my BlackCherry rang; when I looked at the time it was close to 10!!!
I...
answered my BlackCherry with a raspy, "Hello" and the response I received was "I AM LOST AND YOU DO NOT EVEN CARE BECAUSE YOU DID NOT CALL!!!" (Note: I used all caps to emphasise the wailing that was coming through the phone and slamming into my little precious ears). I apologized and said I would guide HER to my house.
However...
SHE could not tell me the major highway SHE just got off of. Now, tators, there are only two that SHE could of got off of; 400 and 85. But, in HER fantasy of madness, all SHE could keep yelling was how lost SHE was. I tried to calm HER down, but that fell on deaf ears.
Finally...
After 20 minutes of HER driving in circles (I assume), I finally got HER to pull over and describe to me what SHE saw. All SHE could get out is "I AM DOWNTOWN; THERE ARE BIG BUILDINGS EVERYWHERE!!!" I assured HER, the SHE was not downtown, but what the hell do I know, I only live in Hot-Lanta. After another 10 minutes of describing HER surroundings, my Spidey sense kicked in and I used the power of deductive reasoning to conclued HER location, because I am smart like that, ya know?!
Then...
When SHE finally recognized her surroundings, SHE got off the phone. I breathed a sigh of relief because I thought the crisis was over. WRONG!!! When SHE finally arrived, SHE was whipped in to a tail spin; ranting and raving about the traffic, the long ride (NOTE: Did I forget to mention that SHE drove by HERSELF from NJ?), and everything thing in between. I tried to tell her that Carl-E was asleep and to lower HER voice, but that did not work. However, my husband was out like a drunk after 8 bottles of vodk aand could not be woken by any sound, no matter how earthshaking it was. To be honest, I just could not take the screaching anymore.
Next...
I grabbed HER bags and brought them upstairs. Then I gently nudged HER up the stairs to HER room and said, I'll see ya in the morning." And then, I high tailed it to my room to get much needed quiet.
Next time...
The bagel that just would not die.
Holla at your girl!!!
Later fo' sho'
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
12 January: Flats
Hola tators! Well, we got some snow and ice here in Hot-Lanta. And "yes" your girl cannot drive in the snow! I was at a restaurant eating with some friends, and when it came time to pay the check, the server says, "Are you parked out back?" To this I reply, "Why yes!" She just gives me a look at worry and says, "Be carful getting out."
Now...
While we were eating an icky snow was falling. What I mean by icky is not that pretty large fluffy flakes that gently float to the Earth and kiss the ground, but those have frozen, half flakes, half rain snow that only makes brown snow when it hits the ground and turns to slick and slippery ice.
So...
We venture outside to my auto, pile in, and off we go; well that's what I thought! As I tried to get up the hill, my tires began to spin and spin and spin. And then, I started to go backwards. So quick like a bunny, I through on the emergency break and stop my car right before it slams into the car behind me. So, I circle the parking lot trying to get some speed behind me, but it was wash, rinse and repeat all over!
Next...
These guys were taking out the trash and saw me in my dilemma. So, they decided to get behind me and push, but that was not working and I was afraid that I was going to run one over and then I would have to pay his widow and his kids with all my LV's!!!
So...
We told them thanks but no thanks. And I gunned it one more time around the parking lot, and slowly but surly I made it out. Yippy for moi!!!
5 nights later...
I am out to dinner with another friend, and we are waiting at valet for the car (NOTE: Almost every restaurant has valet, I was not being fancy fancy pants).
But...
When he pulled up with my car, I noticed that I had a flat!!! Now, I have never changed a flat tire before; basically I know what to do but never actually did it. But, we batted our eyes at the valets and they jumped into A-C-T-I-O-N! They got the car jacked up, lug nuts were loosened, and then they were trying to take the tire off. But it would not budge.
And then...
They realized it was the emergency break keeping the tire on, so they released and BOOM! The jack slips and the car crashes down. So, they had to go through all the motions again and finally they changed the tire, YEAH!!! Luckily I have a full size spare, so I can drive like forever on it!!
:)
And I am out!
Stay warm!
Now...
While we were eating an icky snow was falling. What I mean by icky is not that pretty large fluffy flakes that gently float to the Earth and kiss the ground, but those have frozen, half flakes, half rain snow that only makes brown snow when it hits the ground and turns to slick and slippery ice.
So...
We venture outside to my auto, pile in, and off we go; well that's what I thought! As I tried to get up the hill, my tires began to spin and spin and spin. And then, I started to go backwards. So quick like a bunny, I through on the emergency break and stop my car right before it slams into the car behind me. So, I circle the parking lot trying to get some speed behind me, but it was wash, rinse and repeat all over!
Next...
These guys were taking out the trash and saw me in my dilemma. So, they decided to get behind me and push, but that was not working and I was afraid that I was going to run one over and then I would have to pay his widow and his kids with all my LV's!!!
So...
We told them thanks but no thanks. And I gunned it one more time around the parking lot, and slowly but surly I made it out. Yippy for moi!!!
5 nights later...
I am out to dinner with another friend, and we are waiting at valet for the car (NOTE: Almost every restaurant has valet, I was not being fancy fancy pants).
But...
When he pulled up with my car, I noticed that I had a flat!!! Now, I have never changed a flat tire before; basically I know what to do but never actually did it. But, we batted our eyes at the valets and they jumped into A-C-T-I-O-N! They got the car jacked up, lug nuts were loosened, and then they were trying to take the tire off. But it would not budge.
And then...
They realized it was the emergency break keeping the tire on, so they released and BOOM! The jack slips and the car crashes down. So, they had to go through all the motions again and finally they changed the tire, YEAH!!! Luckily I have a full size spare, so I can drive like forever on it!!
:)
And I am out!
Stay warm!
Monday, January 4, 2010
4 Jan 2010: Long Time; No See
Hey tators! I know it has been a looooong time, and one of my new years resolutions is to bring the blog back! So, let me start by telling you some 2009 holiday tales:
- If you remember the blueberry pie story; you will have a chuckle about this. Hellen Ellen offered us breakfast, but they were frozen bagels. Now these bagels were stuffed under mounds and mounds of frozen zip lock baggies of mangos. Helen Ellen has a mango tree and refuses to toss any of the fruit so she cuts it up and frezzes it. But, she does not date any of the bags, so you have no idea how old any of the mango are. Carl-E said he would pass, and she got so mad that she started on her tirate on that they are still "gooood". But, Carl-E stood his ground and did not eat the frozen bagels; you go baby! (NOTE: THe bagels were purchased in December 2002; I do not kid)
- During Thanksgiving Carl-E and his friend went to a wine bar. We sat next to this man, who I thought had a speach problem. But, he was just really wasted and Irish. Well, him and his wife decided that we were their new bestfriends and would not stop talking to us. At first, they were ok, but then the husband asked me if I had any children. When I said no, he asked me "Does your equipment work?" at that point I hit Carl-E's leg as the sign to leave! Can you beleive?! Oh and he also said he invented the Smurfs, too. Ya right!!!
- While on the way to my Nanny's house for Christmas Eve, we got a flat. Not one person stopped to help us; Christmas spirirt my ass! But, Calr-E in true "A Christmas Storyy" fashion changed that sucka faster than a girl taking off her prom dress!
Well, that's it for now. Until next time my beloved tators, see ya!
- If you remember the blueberry pie story; you will have a chuckle about this. Hellen Ellen offered us breakfast, but they were frozen bagels. Now these bagels were stuffed under mounds and mounds of frozen zip lock baggies of mangos. Helen Ellen has a mango tree and refuses to toss any of the fruit so she cuts it up and frezzes it. But, she does not date any of the bags, so you have no idea how old any of the mango are. Carl-E said he would pass, and she got so mad that she started on her tirate on that they are still "gooood". But, Carl-E stood his ground and did not eat the frozen bagels; you go baby! (NOTE: THe bagels were purchased in December 2002; I do not kid)
- During Thanksgiving Carl-E and his friend went to a wine bar. We sat next to this man, who I thought had a speach problem. But, he was just really wasted and Irish. Well, him and his wife decided that we were their new bestfriends and would not stop talking to us. At first, they were ok, but then the husband asked me if I had any children. When I said no, he asked me "Does your equipment work?" at that point I hit Carl-E's leg as the sign to leave! Can you beleive?! Oh and he also said he invented the Smurfs, too. Ya right!!!
- While on the way to my Nanny's house for Christmas Eve, we got a flat. Not one person stopped to help us; Christmas spirirt my ass! But, Calr-E in true "A Christmas Storyy" fashion changed that sucka faster than a girl taking off her prom dress!
Well, that's it for now. Until next time my beloved tators, see ya!
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