Howdy, tators! It is "Happy Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The Half Shell Day!" For all you die-hard Catholics, this day fits right in with the whole-Lent theme (NOTE: IF you do not know what I am talking about, then yous not in the club homes!) If you are a science geek, like moi, then today is the day to break out your beakers and boil up some concoction, such as love potion for you single ladies (put your hands up!) or a potion to knock-that-nasty-beeotch's-ass-out that racks your last never every day at work. Go ahead, ya know you wantta!
So...
Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. Do you partake in this festival of tom-foolery? Me, I usually stay about, oh 1000 feet away from all the ha-ha'ing! But, today my new router decided to play an early trick on me.
Well...
we have a wireless router for my PC and Carl-E's laptop. This router is a royalest piece of crap in the world. It drops out more than a hooker drop's her nylon-panties for a ten spot. So, after the internet dropped out for the 5th time while I was composing an email, I had had it! I jumped in my ride and headed to the electronic store that did not go out of business, so you know not Circuit City, the other one, with the blue and yellow colors, ya know the one where all the employees wear blue shirts.
I enter...
and I received the mandatory "Hello, how are you?" (NOTE: You know very well the employee that said this could really give a rat's ass how I feel and I can say the feeling was mutual!). So, I stream line towards the computer section on a mission; one new router and one new wireless thingy. I found the aisle and become totally enamored.
There were...
15 billizon different types of routers; N routers, duel band routers, D routers, and XY and Z routers. Now, I am looking for someone to help me, but there is no one around. Maybe the mandatory 11:18 coffee break was in full swing. Then I spy HIM!
I walk...
towards HIM and say, "Can you help me?!" I am asuming the frazzled look plastered across my sans-make-up face gave away that I had no clue of what I am looking at and that I have HUGE circles under my baby blues from no sleep for two days. HIM said, "Sure, what do you need?" So, I went on to explain what I needed and what I currently have. HIM starts into his speel about this router and that router and the other router. Ok, by this point my head hurts from all the techno-mumble-jumble.
So, I ...
stop him by putting up my hand (NOTE: Does this remind you of anyone????) and polietly say, "Please just give me the router and wireless that is one level above basic." With that, he grabbed this and that box and said, "Here you go!". Now how simple was that; oh very!
Next...
I check out with a gleeful smile and sing a little tune all the way home. I get out the disk; insert it into the drive; follow all the directions; and NOTHING! Ok, I de-install the just installed software and repeat, and then repeat again, and again! After 5 times I was about to take the router and disembowel it with one of my new and rarely used serrated edge knifes. So, what does one do when they cannot figure it out; call customer no-service.
I dial...
the number and get Justin. He is a very nice boy (NOTE: He sounded like he was all of 12). However, after 30 minutes of following Justin's advice, I was really starting to loath him, and after 60 minutes, I hated his guts! After clicking this, typing that, disconnecting the blue cord, re-plugging in the gray cord, tapping the box three times while hopping on one foot and humming "Mary Had a Little Lanmb" nothing worked. Almost on the brink of tears, Justin's informs me that it is my internet provider, not the router.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew it was not becauise I got my PC up and running with the new wireless and the old router. Before I could another word out, he politley says, "Good Bye Carrieann" and hangs up, leaving me broken hearted (NOTE: Like so many men before!).
Well...
now the new router is boxed up and ready to go back. I hooked back up my old router and dealing with the dropping out. But here is the kicker, Carl-E's laptop cannot connect to the internet at all. Whatever Justin had me do with all the secret codes put the whammy on the laptop. Oh well, at least I have internet!
And I am late for a very important date...
with my kitties!
Loves ya!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
March 23: Daddy-Oh-No-No!
It is a two-fer day, tators! It is "National Organize Your Home Office Day and National Chip and Dip Day." So, break out the chips and salsa verde or if you prefer ruffled potato chips and French onion dip and hit your office. You know it is messy; everyone's is, well except mine (NOTE: I am totally a clean freak when it comes to my space). So, get rid of those old Chick-Fil-A, and gas receips. Chuck those old water and phone bills. Toss out that little cocktail nap with the scribbling from some guy you met two weeks ago at the new hot club (NOTE: You'll never call because 1) you cannot read the number and it starts with; you think 866 B) you cannot remember what he looks like!). Trash those flyers you have been saving with the 10% off any purchse over $20 from any craft store. And if you have not see it in 10 years because it has been buried under a pile of old tax returns; hurl it out!
Ok here we go...
So, Carl-E and I have a routine; every Saturday we go for a 5K run, and then to Einstein's for breakfast. I have a large java and the yogurt parfat with a banana and Carl-E has some nasty egg sandwhich.
Well...
During one of our Saturday morning outtings, I noticed the Daddy-Oh-No-No! He is your typical older frat-looking guy; tall, blond, slight beer belly, and wears athletic pants with his college sweatshirt, but probably has not worked out since his senior year. With him are his two kids; Braty-brat and Not-So-Incocnet. Braty-Brat is about 7 and is a VERY obnoxious little boy that is dying for any attention (NOTE: You know the type; loud, way TOO LOUD). Not-So-Inoccent is the younger sister who loves to hook-line-and-sinker her brother to getting into trouble and then give the innocent eyes to Daddy-Oh-No-No to avoid his wrath.
So...
Ever Saturday it is bascilly the same routine; Daddy-Oh-No-No come into Eisntien's in a whirl-wind of furry with a kid in each hand. He tosses each into a chair, gives them the stern Daddy-Oh-No-No eye and whispers through clinched teeth, "You stay put!" Now, niether one listens because Not-So-Innocent is up with in 2 nano-seconds, stands next to her chair and begins to quiver her lower lips and whimpers, "Daddy, Daddy!" Without missing a beat, Daddy-Oh-No-No calls to her, "Come here baby." Off she runs, he scoops her up, and then turns to Braty-Brat with mean dad face and syas, "You stay put!"
Next...
They eat; well try to eat. Braty-Brat and his sister always get the chocolate chip bagel with butter. Now, Braty-Brat always counts his chocolate chips and announces that he has the most, which entices his sister to turn on the waterworks full blast. Daddy-Oh-No-No then takes away Braty-Brat's begal and gives it to Not-So-Innocent and gives her's to Braty-Brat (NOTE: As if this would put an end to this sistuation). Now Not-So-Innocent has a big smile on her face, and Braty-Brat announces he still has the most chocolate chips (NOTE: This kid sees the positive in everything!). To this Daddy-Oh-No-No takes half of Braty-Brat's bagel and switches it with half of Not-So-Innocent's, and then announces that they both have the same amount of chocolate chips (NOTE: Now we really know that they do not!)
But..
This is where the story can differ depending on Daddy-Oh-No-No's attitude. Once he took the bagel out of Braty-brat's mouth, snatched right out, and took a bit, and then announced that he no longer had the most chocolate chips. Another time, he took a itty-bitty piece of Braty-Brat's bagel and gave it to his sister and announced that she now had the most chocolate chips.
Let's keep a movin...
Now this Saturday, was different. Daddy-Oh-No-No was in rare form. He came in with the same fever as a whirling dervish, but with the fire of Godzilla. He tossed both children in their chairs, and stomped to the line. I instantly knew that this was going to be a real show. Daddy-Oh-No-No dropped the two baskets with the begals on the table. And then it happened...Braty-Brat while grabbing for his begal, flipped the basket onto the floor.
Daddy-Oh-No-No let out...
the loudest F-Bomb you have ever heard. The whole place just froze. Daddy Oh-No-No did not miss a beat. He picked up the bagel, tossed in the trash, and then sat down. Braty-Brat was like "Where is my begal?" Daddy-Oh-No-No took off on a trirate that lasted for what seemed like forever about how he was not going to eat ever again!
And then...
a glimmer of nicness must of surfaced, becasue Daddy-Oh-No-No took half of his sister's begal and gave it to Braty-Brat. Could Daddy-Oh-No-No be turning over a new leaf because he felt some remorse? Oh Hellz no! Daddy-Oh-No-No continued to tell Braty-Brat that he is lucky to be even eating and that he got the crapy half of the bagel (NOTE: Yes, he did say crapy!). To which Braty-Brat said, "Everyone is eating half a begal!" To this I looked around and thought, "Touche Daddy-Oh-No-No; Braty-Brat is 100% correct, because people eat their bagel one half at a time!"
Secretly..
I cannot wait until next Saturday to see what happens! I know, I am terrible and I love it! Winky-wink!
Urban Word of the Day (and we all know at least one person who does this):
Whole Grazer
Person who feels as though Whole Foods is so expensive that in order to get their money's worth, they have to try every sample available, often multiple times
"That place is expensive, but he's a Whole Grazer so he just wanders around eating samples until he has eaten so much that it has paid for his groceries"
Ok here we go...
So, Carl-E and I have a routine; every Saturday we go for a 5K run, and then to Einstein's for breakfast. I have a large java and the yogurt parfat with a banana and Carl-E has some nasty egg sandwhich.
Well...
During one of our Saturday morning outtings, I noticed the Daddy-Oh-No-No! He is your typical older frat-looking guy; tall, blond, slight beer belly, and wears athletic pants with his college sweatshirt, but probably has not worked out since his senior year. With him are his two kids; Braty-brat and Not-So-Incocnet. Braty-Brat is about 7 and is a VERY obnoxious little boy that is dying for any attention (NOTE: You know the type; loud, way TOO LOUD). Not-So-Inoccent is the younger sister who loves to hook-line-and-sinker her brother to getting into trouble and then give the innocent eyes to Daddy-Oh-No-No to avoid his wrath.
So...
Ever Saturday it is bascilly the same routine; Daddy-Oh-No-No come into Eisntien's in a whirl-wind of furry with a kid in each hand. He tosses each into a chair, gives them the stern Daddy-Oh-No-No eye and whispers through clinched teeth, "You stay put!" Now, niether one listens because Not-So-Innocent is up with in 2 nano-seconds, stands next to her chair and begins to quiver her lower lips and whimpers, "Daddy, Daddy!" Without missing a beat, Daddy-Oh-No-No calls to her, "Come here baby." Off she runs, he scoops her up, and then turns to Braty-Brat with mean dad face and syas, "You stay put!"
Next...
They eat; well try to eat. Braty-Brat and his sister always get the chocolate chip bagel with butter. Now, Braty-Brat always counts his chocolate chips and announces that he has the most, which entices his sister to turn on the waterworks full blast. Daddy-Oh-No-No then takes away Braty-Brat's begal and gives it to Not-So-Innocent and gives her's to Braty-Brat (NOTE: As if this would put an end to this sistuation). Now Not-So-Innocent has a big smile on her face, and Braty-Brat announces he still has the most chocolate chips (NOTE: This kid sees the positive in everything!). To this Daddy-Oh-No-No takes half of Braty-Brat's bagel and switches it with half of Not-So-Innocent's, and then announces that they both have the same amount of chocolate chips (NOTE: Now we really know that they do not!)
But..
This is where the story can differ depending on Daddy-Oh-No-No's attitude. Once he took the bagel out of Braty-brat's mouth, snatched right out, and took a bit, and then announced that he no longer had the most chocolate chips. Another time, he took a itty-bitty piece of Braty-Brat's bagel and gave it to his sister and announced that she now had the most chocolate chips.
Let's keep a movin...
Now this Saturday, was different. Daddy-Oh-No-No was in rare form. He came in with the same fever as a whirling dervish, but with the fire of Godzilla. He tossed both children in their chairs, and stomped to the line. I instantly knew that this was going to be a real show. Daddy-Oh-No-No dropped the two baskets with the begals on the table. And then it happened...Braty-Brat while grabbing for his begal, flipped the basket onto the floor.
Daddy-Oh-No-No let out...
the loudest F-Bomb you have ever heard. The whole place just froze. Daddy Oh-No-No did not miss a beat. He picked up the bagel, tossed in the trash, and then sat down. Braty-Brat was like "Where is my begal?" Daddy-Oh-No-No took off on a trirate that lasted for what seemed like forever about how he was not going to eat ever again!
And then...
a glimmer of nicness must of surfaced, becasue Daddy-Oh-No-No took half of his sister's begal and gave it to Braty-Brat. Could Daddy-Oh-No-No be turning over a new leaf because he felt some remorse? Oh Hellz no! Daddy-Oh-No-No continued to tell Braty-Brat that he is lucky to be even eating and that he got the crapy half of the bagel (NOTE: Yes, he did say crapy!). To which Braty-Brat said, "Everyone is eating half a begal!" To this I looked around and thought, "Touche Daddy-Oh-No-No; Braty-Brat is 100% correct, because people eat their bagel one half at a time!"
Secretly..
I cannot wait until next Saturday to see what happens! I know, I am terrible and I love it! Winky-wink!
Urban Word of the Day (and we all know at least one person who does this):
Whole Grazer
Person who feels as though Whole Foods is so expensive that in order to get their money's worth, they have to try every sample available, often multiple times
"That place is expensive, but he's a Whole Grazer so he just wanders around eating samples until he has eaten so much that it has paid for his groceries"
Monday, March 16, 2009
March 16: Guys Actin Like Chicks
Happy "Everything You Do Is Right Day!" So, if you walk out of Saks without paying for those fierce new Gucci gladiator pumps (NOTE: Have you seen them?!); no worries! If you decide to keep the new 600 BMW that you are test driving and leave your old grocery getter at the dealership; no problem. If you inform your neighboro "YES!" she is a total bee-otch; go for it! It is your day; and guess what? You cannot be wrong!
So...
Carl-E and I went out with a few friends last Tuesday night; nothing fancy, just a brew pub. Now, being the oly female of the group, I knew that the convay could and more than likely would cover numerous categories, such as the rack on the bartender, how the Hawks are doing to the rack on the server. Being that I sometimes think that I have bigger and shinier jewels than most men I encounter, your girl can totally hang.
Well...
One of the guys that was there I never met before. He leaned a bit to the husky side, his facial expression never ever changed, however he was nice enough. So, after our dinners arrived the convay switched from crazy-ass bosses to chicks; no problem. I asked Mr. Stone Face if he had a girl or 6 and he said, "No" and continued to engulf his plate of nachos.
And then...
One of the other guys began to talk about a girl that all three of them tried to make the moves on (NOTE: I know who she is and she is "move" worthy). The convay did not get too raunchy, but the discussion about her derriere went on at great lengths. I just sat there sipping my beer, and shakin my head whenever a comment was made and then I was looked at for vindication.
Now...
Each guy is very different looking, so what I was asking moi was "Why was not she interested in atleast one of them?" So, I went over the "Girl-Mental-Check-List:
- Good jobs CHECK (Money is very imporant; a girls has to shop, ya know!)
- Nice Watches CHECK (This is important, because most men do not wear jewelry, so if they have one piece it should be a nice watch not some busted Swatch from 1982)
- Nice Clothes Half-A-CHECK (A shine on the collar or on the pant crease from over-dry cleanin is a NO! NO!)
- Smell Good CHECK (No dousing like you are putting out a huge forest fire in Cali; just enough so if they lean in you can faintly smell it)
- Nice Shoes Half-A-CHECK (A nice pair of shoes announces that the man cares about details; too many men wear nice clothes and busted-ass kicks!)
- Up-to-Date haircut CHECK (No CPA side part!)
- Speaks intelligently CHECK (After a few drinks anyone sounds intelligent!)
- Not sloppy drunk CHECK (This is so college!)
- Not self-centered CHECK (The convay should not focus about him, him, and more him! How tres dull!)
- Easy on the eyes Half-A-CHECK (Whoever said that it what inside that counts, should be shot. Who wants to wake up next to Quasimodo?)
So, all three did pretty good. So, I ask "Why did all of you strike out?" "Well" one begins "She likes big guys," and without missing a beat and with a total straight face, he continues "...like Mr. Stone Face, but he is a bit too big." Oh snap! Mr. Stone Face's friend totally tossed him and his nachos under the speeding bus!
I expected...
for Mr. Stone Face's friend to start laughin, but no, no, no, my little tators! He just picked up his burger and continued to chow down. Now in Chickland, if one girl said that to another it would be so on! I began to kick Carl-E under the table, but he shot me a look like "Why in the h-e-double hockey sticks are you kickin me!" I just sat their in disbelief of what I just heard. Isn't there some guy code about insulting your friend in a mega hard way in front of a female?
On the way home...
I told Carl-E why I kicked him. He said he did not even catch the comment. Maybe in Guyland, guys do shee-ite like that and it is concidered no-harm no-foul. And if that is the case, they can NEVER live in Chickland because the bee-otches weave would be rollin down the street after it was snatched off her head.
And I out....
So...
Carl-E and I went out with a few friends last Tuesday night; nothing fancy, just a brew pub. Now, being the oly female of the group, I knew that the convay could and more than likely would cover numerous categories, such as the rack on the bartender, how the Hawks are doing to the rack on the server. Being that I sometimes think that I have bigger and shinier jewels than most men I encounter, your girl can totally hang.
Well...
One of the guys that was there I never met before. He leaned a bit to the husky side, his facial expression never ever changed, however he was nice enough. So, after our dinners arrived the convay switched from crazy-ass bosses to chicks; no problem. I asked Mr. Stone Face if he had a girl or 6 and he said, "No" and continued to engulf his plate of nachos.
And then...
One of the other guys began to talk about a girl that all three of them tried to make the moves on (NOTE: I know who she is and she is "move" worthy). The convay did not get too raunchy, but the discussion about her derriere went on at great lengths. I just sat there sipping my beer, and shakin my head whenever a comment was made and then I was looked at for vindication.
Now...
Each guy is very different looking, so what I was asking moi was "Why was not she interested in atleast one of them?" So, I went over the "Girl-Mental-Check-List:
- Good jobs CHECK (Money is very imporant; a girls has to shop, ya know!)
- Nice Watches CHECK (This is important, because most men do not wear jewelry, so if they have one piece it should be a nice watch not some busted Swatch from 1982)
- Nice Clothes Half-A-CHECK (A shine on the collar or on the pant crease from over-dry cleanin is a NO! NO!)
- Smell Good CHECK (No dousing like you are putting out a huge forest fire in Cali; just enough so if they lean in you can faintly smell it)
- Nice Shoes Half-A-CHECK (A nice pair of shoes announces that the man cares about details; too many men wear nice clothes and busted-ass kicks!)
- Up-to-Date haircut CHECK (No CPA side part!)
- Speaks intelligently CHECK (After a few drinks anyone sounds intelligent!)
- Not sloppy drunk CHECK (This is so college!)
- Not self-centered CHECK (The convay should not focus about him, him, and more him! How tres dull!)
- Easy on the eyes Half-A-CHECK (Whoever said that it what inside that counts, should be shot. Who wants to wake up next to Quasimodo?)
So, all three did pretty good. So, I ask "Why did all of you strike out?" "Well" one begins "She likes big guys," and without missing a beat and with a total straight face, he continues "...like Mr. Stone Face, but he is a bit too big." Oh snap! Mr. Stone Face's friend totally tossed him and his nachos under the speeding bus!
I expected...
for Mr. Stone Face's friend to start laughin, but no, no, no, my little tators! He just picked up his burger and continued to chow down. Now in Chickland, if one girl said that to another it would be so on! I began to kick Carl-E under the table, but he shot me a look like "Why in the h-e-double hockey sticks are you kickin me!" I just sat their in disbelief of what I just heard. Isn't there some guy code about insulting your friend in a mega hard way in front of a female?
On the way home...
I told Carl-E why I kicked him. He said he did not even catch the comment. Maybe in Guyland, guys do shee-ite like that and it is concidered no-harm no-foul. And if that is the case, they can NEVER live in Chickland because the bee-otches weave would be rollin down the street after it was snatched off her head.
And I out....
Monday, March 9, 2009
March 9: Bringin' Down The Branch
Happy "Panic Day," tators. Embrace your panic attacks! Just when you feel you are going to pass out from the walls closing in; RUN, TATOR, RUN! Use that energy to propel your legs as fast as you can. By the time you calasp from the shortness of breath, massive leg cramps, and that annoying stabbing pain in your side your panic attack will be a thing of the past.
Ok, let's get busy yo...
Yesterday, Carl-E and I were working in the backyard. Now, you are probably thinking, "Didn't they just plop down a butt load of cash to have the backyard done?" Well, the answer is "Correct!" However, because no one can complete things up to Carl-E's standards, we had to go in with shovels a-blazin' and re-finish the finished project (NOTE: This occurrence occurs with every project; this is why I can install windows, do electoral, lay brick, etc.).
So, there we are...
shoveling mulch from the ridiculously large water oak (NOTE: Florida tators, you can stop shivering now) stump that was ground down into oblivion into those large paper bags (NOTE: The City of Hot-Lanta can only have recycling once every other week, but they will not, absolute will not take yard stuff unless it is in those paper bags!). Once, we filled, oh over 50 bags (NOTE: I have to fill 6 a day until all that shee-ite is gone; that's my weekly project!), we decided to move on to "The Tree."
There is a large...
branch that hangs over our Jacuzzi and it blocks the sun from lightly kissing my skin as I relax in the bubbly 103 degree water. I told Carl-E to get the saw and start a-hackin'. Because the branch from "The Tree" is considered by Hot-Lanta law on our propriety, even though the tree itself is in our neighbor yard, we had every God-Given right to saw away!
As...
Carl-E is half way in bring the branch down to Chinatown, our backyard neighbor come running out with hands a crazy-waving and voice a yelping, "What are you doing?" I was thinking, "Duh, what does it look like, genius?" So, she starts into this 5 minute rant about how she has been so understanding about our backyard, and how she can now see into our backyard because we removing the branch, the tall bushes, and now we can see into her backyard, and blah, blah, blah (NOTE: There is nothing I want to see in her house unless she has Daniel Craig over in a swimsuit; oh so tasty!)
I...
just stood there listing to her insensible ramblings. Carl-E tried to calm her down, but she was not having it. And then she said, "If you only would of extended the wall another 5 feet we would not have this problem." Ok, now she stepped over the proverbial line, because:
A) Who the F%^$ does she think she is to tell us that "we" have a problem; she has a problem in her crazy-ass mind
4) It is our backyard and if I want to paint the back of my house hot pink with black polk-a-dots I damn will
c) Unless she is thrown dollas into the backyard bank, she needs to shut her pie hole!
Now...
it was time for me to speak my peace, so I say "Look the plan for the wall is as is; no longer" To this she says pointing to the beautiful new lugstrum bushes, "Well, you need to buffer our yards and those bushes are not going to do it." (NOTE: We brought new bushed that are 3 feet high; I was not going to spend beaucoup pieces of chedda to appease her!). So, I said, "Sorry, but that is what we are planting" as I was opening my mental 2000 square foot walk-in closet, complete with leopard carpet and pink walls and taking down my Jersey suit (NOTE: It needs to be pressed; where's my pledge!). Sensing that I was slowly losing my grip on reality, Carl-E jumps in and finishes the conversation (NOTE: I kept tryin to interject my thoughts, but Carl-E kept cutting me off).
She...
turns and leaves and I go totally bonkers; tossin the F-bomb around like is was singles at a strip bar. Carl-E just sat there and let me go on, and on, and on, and on. When I finally stopped to catch my breath, he said, "Let's get in the car." While walking to the car, driving in the car,and getting out of the car, I was still putting the verbal beat down on our neighbor.
And then...
I notice we are at the nursery. Well, guess what? Carl-E insisted we buy two of the big bushes. I was like, "WHAT?!" But, then I sensed the opportunity to get the upper hand. "If we buy the BIG bushes; I want the cool-holly-tree-thingy for the front door." (NOTE: If it was a combo she/nursery I would of insisted that I get a new pair of strappy platform sandals, but the tree-thingy is very cool and it compliments my red front door to perfection!)
Guess what...
I got the cool holly-thingy for the front door and Carl-E and our horseface neighbor chatted while I sat in the potting shed (NOTE: I was ordered not to be around when they chatted) and she "Approved" of the new bushes (NOTE: Yes, she did say she approved!).
All is well, when CA gets well...
what she wants!
And, I am off to hit the pavement!
Ok, let's get busy yo...
Yesterday, Carl-E and I were working in the backyard. Now, you are probably thinking, "Didn't they just plop down a butt load of cash to have the backyard done?" Well, the answer is "Correct!" However, because no one can complete things up to Carl-E's standards, we had to go in with shovels a-blazin' and re-finish the finished project (NOTE: This occurrence occurs with every project; this is why I can install windows, do electoral, lay brick, etc.).
So, there we are...
shoveling mulch from the ridiculously large water oak (NOTE: Florida tators, you can stop shivering now) stump that was ground down into oblivion into those large paper bags (NOTE: The City of Hot-Lanta can only have recycling once every other week, but they will not, absolute will not take yard stuff unless it is in those paper bags!). Once, we filled, oh over 50 bags (NOTE: I have to fill 6 a day until all that shee-ite is gone; that's my weekly project!), we decided to move on to "The Tree."
There is a large...
branch that hangs over our Jacuzzi and it blocks the sun from lightly kissing my skin as I relax in the bubbly 103 degree water. I told Carl-E to get the saw and start a-hackin'. Because the branch from "The Tree" is considered by Hot-Lanta law on our propriety, even though the tree itself is in our neighbor yard, we had every God-Given right to saw away!
As...
Carl-E is half way in bring the branch down to Chinatown, our backyard neighbor come running out with hands a crazy-waving and voice a yelping, "What are you doing?" I was thinking, "Duh, what does it look like, genius?" So, she starts into this 5 minute rant about how she has been so understanding about our backyard, and how she can now see into our backyard because we removing the branch, the tall bushes, and now we can see into her backyard, and blah, blah, blah (NOTE: There is nothing I want to see in her house unless she has Daniel Craig over in a swimsuit; oh so tasty!)
I...
just stood there listing to her insensible ramblings. Carl-E tried to calm her down, but she was not having it. And then she said, "If you only would of extended the wall another 5 feet we would not have this problem." Ok, now she stepped over the proverbial line, because:
A) Who the F%^$ does she think she is to tell us that "we" have a problem; she has a problem in her crazy-ass mind
4) It is our backyard and if I want to paint the back of my house hot pink with black polk-a-dots I damn will
c) Unless she is thrown dollas into the backyard bank, she needs to shut her pie hole!
Now...
it was time for me to speak my peace, so I say "Look the plan for the wall is as is; no longer" To this she says pointing to the beautiful new lugstrum bushes, "Well, you need to buffer our yards and those bushes are not going to do it." (NOTE: We brought new bushed that are 3 feet high; I was not going to spend beaucoup pieces of chedda to appease her!). So, I said, "Sorry, but that is what we are planting" as I was opening my mental 2000 square foot walk-in closet, complete with leopard carpet and pink walls and taking down my Jersey suit (NOTE: It needs to be pressed; where's my pledge!). Sensing that I was slowly losing my grip on reality, Carl-E jumps in and finishes the conversation (NOTE: I kept tryin to interject my thoughts, but Carl-E kept cutting me off).
She...
turns and leaves and I go totally bonkers; tossin the F-bomb around like is was singles at a strip bar. Carl-E just sat there and let me go on, and on, and on, and on. When I finally stopped to catch my breath, he said, "Let's get in the car." While walking to the car, driving in the car,and getting out of the car, I was still putting the verbal beat down on our neighbor.
And then...
I notice we are at the nursery. Well, guess what? Carl-E insisted we buy two of the big bushes. I was like, "WHAT?!" But, then I sensed the opportunity to get the upper hand. "If we buy the BIG bushes; I want the cool-holly-tree-thingy for the front door." (NOTE: If it was a combo she/nursery I would of insisted that I get a new pair of strappy platform sandals, but the tree-thingy is very cool and it compliments my red front door to perfection!)
Guess what...
I got the cool holly-thingy for the front door and Carl-E and our horseface neighbor chatted while I sat in the potting shed (NOTE: I was ordered not to be around when they chatted) and she "Approved" of the new bushes (NOTE: Yes, she did say she approved!).
All is well, when CA gets well...
what she wants!
And, I am off to hit the pavement!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
March 4: Trail Mix Time; Can I Get a What What?!
Happy "Holy Experiment Day!" Now this is a very intriguing day, Tators being Catholic and all. I have many experiments to select from to recreate:
- Try to walk on water while wearing my LV wedges
- Turn water into yummy Malbec
- Spend 40 days in the desert while hangin' out with the Lucifer or the other name the devil is known as...Godiva
- Resurrect the dead...80's big hair that is (Note: I really do not know about this one; the ozone may not be able to take it)
Well, let's move on...
There has a plethora of this and that have been going on:
- We used to have recycling picked up once a week. Now, the City of Hot-Lanta is picking it up every OTHER week. Ok, I pay beaucoup amounts of dollas in taxes to this city, but it is broke-ass-broke like a ho with extra teeth (NOTE: Use your imagination). Now, being that one of my New Year's resolution was to recycle more, I was not going to take this notice lying down! So, I headed into the dirt cellar, get two of the billzion plastic tubs that are stacked against the wall (NOTE: I love me some plastic tubs, actually I love any box, bin, or container to store and organize; can you say OCD!) I get out the mega Sharpie and write "RECYCLE!" Now, I have three bins; no one gets puts Princess CA in the corner (NOTE: A little "Dirty Dancing" reference for ya!). Just let them try and take only the "official" bin; I'll be putting on my Jersey suit, openin' a can of whoop ass, and gettin' out my kick-ass-list and got ape s* on our Mayor's bleach blond itty-bitty fro for sho!
- Ok, so I have this Blackcherry. And to be honest, I am totally and utterly head over heals in crush with this object. I could never go back to the Razor (NOTE: Unless you bribed me with a a few new LV's!) Now, being the artsy-type I need to have everything matchy-matchy. So, I spent a few, oh hours cruisin' the internet highway when Carl-E was working late again for new themes (NOTE: The standard ones just plain SUCK!)and I discovered the coolest ones are free. I found a slew of HK (NOTE: That's Hello Kitty for those of you who are so not in the know) and Tokidoki (NOTE: A fabu cartoon artist)! Now, my Blackcherry is stylin' and profilin' with a rockin' Geisha on the desktop. Smokin'!
- Speaking of "smokin'"; I am so ticked off that Brett Michaels totally wore out the term "Smokin' Hot!" That used to be my term, mine, all mine damn it! Especially for some male that is easy on the eyes, such as George Clooney or Daniel Craig (NOTE: Of James Bond you are so dreamy). Now, I taking applications a new sayin'. I think I visit the Urban Dictionary and scope out the prospects.
- Speaking of the Urban Dictionary; latley the words have been rockin'! Like, "rebooty" I almost feel off my IKEA office chair when I read the def. I wish that term was around when I was single, because it sounds much better than a some other terms that I can think of (NOTE: For the sentive ears of my readers I will not list the naughty and crass terms; just think for a bit and they will start poping up in your mind!)
- Ok, we had the a Jack-And-The-Bean-Stalk-Size-Like oak removed from our yard. The M'F*er was over 8 feet in diameter; that's like two of me! We had the stump ground, but now we have a site load of wood chips strode all over the backyard. The company wants $450 to haul the chips away. Yeah, and I will go back to carrying Coach bags! So, if you need mulch, I gotts the hook up, yo!
No Wukkas; Tators!
- Try to walk on water while wearing my LV wedges
- Turn water into yummy Malbec
- Spend 40 days in the desert while hangin' out with the Lucifer or the other name the devil is known as...Godiva
- Resurrect the dead...80's big hair that is (Note: I really do not know about this one; the ozone may not be able to take it)
Well, let's move on...
There has a plethora of this and that have been going on:
- We used to have recycling picked up once a week. Now, the City of Hot-Lanta is picking it up every OTHER week. Ok, I pay beaucoup amounts of dollas in taxes to this city, but it is broke-ass-broke like a ho with extra teeth (NOTE: Use your imagination). Now, being that one of my New Year's resolution was to recycle more, I was not going to take this notice lying down! So, I headed into the dirt cellar, get two of the billzion plastic tubs that are stacked against the wall (NOTE: I love me some plastic tubs, actually I love any box, bin, or container to store and organize; can you say OCD!) I get out the mega Sharpie and write "RECYCLE!" Now, I have three bins; no one gets puts Princess CA in the corner (NOTE: A little "Dirty Dancing" reference for ya!). Just let them try and take only the "official" bin; I'll be putting on my Jersey suit, openin' a can of whoop ass, and gettin' out my kick-ass-list and got ape s* on our Mayor's bleach blond itty-bitty fro for sho!
- Ok, so I have this Blackcherry. And to be honest, I am totally and utterly head over heals in crush with this object. I could never go back to the Razor (NOTE: Unless you bribed me with a a few new LV's!) Now, being the artsy-type I need to have everything matchy-matchy. So, I spent a few, oh hours cruisin' the internet highway when Carl-E was working late again for new themes (NOTE: The standard ones just plain SUCK!)and I discovered the coolest ones are free. I found a slew of HK (NOTE: That's Hello Kitty for those of you who are so not in the know) and Tokidoki (NOTE: A fabu cartoon artist)! Now, my Blackcherry is stylin' and profilin' with a rockin' Geisha on the desktop. Smokin'!
- Speaking of "smokin'"; I am so ticked off that Brett Michaels totally wore out the term "Smokin' Hot!" That used to be my term, mine, all mine damn it! Especially for some male that is easy on the eyes, such as George Clooney or Daniel Craig (NOTE: Of James Bond you are so dreamy). Now, I taking applications a new sayin'. I think I visit the Urban Dictionary and scope out the prospects.
- Speaking of the Urban Dictionary; latley the words have been rockin'! Like, "rebooty" I almost feel off my IKEA office chair when I read the def. I wish that term was around when I was single, because it sounds much better than a some other terms that I can think of (NOTE: For the sentive ears of my readers I will not list the naughty and crass terms; just think for a bit and they will start poping up in your mind!)
- Ok, we had the a Jack-And-The-Bean-Stalk-Size-Like oak removed from our yard. The M'F*er was over 8 feet in diameter; that's like two of me! We had the stump ground, but now we have a site load of wood chips strode all over the backyard. The company wants $450 to haul the chips away. Yeah, and I will go back to carrying Coach bags! So, if you need mulch, I gotts the hook up, yo!
No Wukkas; Tators!
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