Aug 7: Being Orange Has No Age Limit

Happy Saturday morn, tators!!! Your girl is bright eyed and bushy tailed today; up by 7am, out the door to run by 7:30am, and back at my casa by 9am. So much done today and it is still early!

Well...
I went to a new salon to get my piggys and fingers done because my main-girl left my old salon (NOTE: I was not sad to move salons, my old salon switched owners and the vibe was stank!!!). So, my girl "B" and I were chattin' it up when someone walked in.

The first thing that caught my eye...
was the color of her skin; it was not a golden bronze BUT a fluorescent ORANGE, like the color of Sunkist soda!!! She sported an out-of-date royal blue Juicy Couture sweat outfit with Juicy spread out across her buttocks in rhinestones with the matching jacket. On her feet were platform black flip-flops; Juicy too (NOTE: I could tell because of the little golden-charm bow hanging from the strap). Her hair was Old-Skool Jersey huge and blonder than blond can possible be!!! I was thinking wig or major weave!

However...
Upon further inspection, I realized that this person was not a not-so-well-kept-southern-bell, but a much older not-so-well-kept-southern-bell!!! This hen was about 70 if she was a day! And to top off the outfit was a pair of extra-large white sunglasses.

Next...
Ms Thang gingerly sat herself down on the bench and carefully took off her flops and placed them on the bench next to her. Then I heard the crinkle. She picked up a Publix shopping bag; not the reusable one but the kill-the-world-with-more-plastic one. I did not notice the bag when she walked in, probably because I was so infatuated with her unnatural glow!

She...
leaned forward to the nail tech and proceeded to shout (NOTE: I figured by the volume of her voice that she probably was half or more deaf), "I DO NOT WANT TO WEAR MY GOOD SANDALS OUT, I WANT TO WEAR THESE!" And out she whipped a pair of white platform terry cloth covered flip-flops that were stained orange! I had to contain my giggles!!! Then she yelled, "THE COLOR IS FROM MY SELF-TANNER; IT LOOKS SO GOOD ON ME BUT NOT SO GOOD ON THE SHOES!" At this, I almost fell off the bench. Now, My nail-tech did not know what I was getting all giddy about and she kept mouthing, "WHAT!" but I could not tell her because it would draw attention to my amusement and because "B" was doing my toes, she could not get a real good look-see at Mrs. Orange nor could she really understand what she was sayin despite the volume of her voice because of the running water in my toe tub.

And then...
After the white platform flops came out, next was a bottle of Bud! She proceeded to shout, "THIS IS FOR ME TO RELAX, I HAVE HAD SUCH A DAY." And with that she popped the top and proceeded to chug the beer. With a satisfied, "AHHH," she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand leaving a bright pink stain from her lipstick, and then picked another Bud out of the bag. "I'VE GOT 2 MORE AFTER THIS ONE," she shouted at her nail tech.

With that said...
My nail tech finally looked over and her mouth fell agape. Then she looked at me and whispered, "Is she for really?!" To which I answered, bless her heart she sure is!!!

Enjoy the weekend, tators!

And, I am out!

August 4: I'm BAAAACCCKKK!!!

Yes, I have been away; leaving my beloved tators hangin', but now I am back, and better than ever!!! Why have I've been away?

Well...
Life has simply gotten in the way of everything! As many of you know, Carl lost his source of income and our lives have been in limbo (NOTE: If the real limbo is anything like the limbo I am currently experiencing, it really SUCKS!). We do not know if,where, when, who , and how we are moving (NOTE: That depends on the employment he finds). Helen-Ellen is still not feeling 100% up to par (NOTE: I hope that she starts feeling like her old self soon, because honestly I am a bit tired of going down to Death's-Door, Florida).

Anywho...
Things in Hot-Lanta have been anything but lame. The first thing that comes to mind is this god-forsakin heat!!! Carl-E and I have been crawling out of bed at 6am, so we can be at the park to run by 7am. However, by the time we get there, it is already 80 degrees, without the humidity. Now, for my FL Tataors, Atlanta humidity is worse!!! We do not get the afternoon showers that you oh so enjoy every day. The humidity just hangs in the air and suffocates you in its clammy grasp!!! I cannot wait for fall; if it ever comes!

Let's talk about...
GRASS!!! My front lawn looks like a the coat of a leopard; spotted!!! When we thought we were moving to Orlando, Carl-E ripped up part of the front lawn and replanted. It looked like a lush green, high-pile carpet. And then summer came and destroyed it! It was like summer was a scorn girl and the lawn was her cheatin, lyin, troll of a BF and she went toal ape-sh-ite on his ass! We tried to save it by watering, but when the City of Hot-Lanta sends you a water bill for over 800 dollars (NOTE: Yes, I said over 800 dollars), I say, f*&% it, let it die a slow miserable death in this heat)! So, my lawn looks like crap and you know what, I really do not care! That 800 dollars can be used for a perfectly good pair of shoes, ya know?!

Ok, so...
Carl-E has been using my computer because he got another virus on his new laptop. I have had my PC for almost 9 years and have never gotten a virus (NOTE: Now, I will probably get the mega-virus of all virus!!!). He has had his lap top for less than 8months and he managed to get a really nasty virus (NOTE: He swears he was not looking at any adult sites, I say "Whatever!"). Now he has to share my PC. What makes this so funny is that he was totally ripping on how slow my computer is and out old it is and how blah, blah, blah!!! Karma is a bee-otch because he has to pay beau coup bucks to get his lap top fixed and he had to apologize to my PC (NOTE: My PC has not fully forgiven him, but is letting him us it because he needs to find a J-O-B!)

On the other hand...
I promise that I will not let so much time go in between posts. I am determined to blog more than ever, because many funny things have been a-happening, but to be honest, I just have not had the mental energy to write. But, now I am back so look out BABY!!!

And, I am out!

June 7: There She Goes

Well, tators I have been MIA for a while and I know you have all been waiting with baited breath for my next post. Sorry to keep you waiting, but this girl's life has been turned up-side-down, shaken and stirred, and just plane messed up. Let's just say that a wrench has been tossed in to this person's machine in a BIG way!

So...
To start things off Helen Ellen; my mother-in-law became ill. She has problems with cronic pain and is on some heavy duty meds that an addict would sell their soul for. However, the meds were not working causing her to be in serious pain and also not acting right, such as, short term memory loss, shaking, and weakness. She was getting so strange that she would start speaking Spanish even though she knows no one speaks it. Carl-E and put on our super hero capes, flew down to Florida, and jumped in to the situation. After many dr's visits, her medican has been adjusted and she seems to being much better.

In the mean time...
While Carl-E and I were traveling back and forth to Florida trying to get Helen Ellen better, Carl-E began thinking he was going to lose his job. Now, Carl-E is totally kick-ass at his job and just got a new CFO that he actually liked, so for him to think he was going to lose his job was ridiculous. But, his spidey sense must of been a tingling, because while I was at Helen Ellen's trying to get her back to normal, he was let go.

Now...
We do not know what we are going to do about Orlando. We had it all set to move back this August, but without a job; why move. So, I think I am stuck in Hot-Lanta a bit longer.

Anywho...
That's where I am at tators; my husband is home and every day feels like a Saturday, my mother-in-law is doing better no thanks to my sister-in-law, and I almost forgot I have a new kitty; Van Gogh. He is the cutest little baby! He has a notch out of his ear that is why he is named Van Gogh. Godiva is not too crazy about the newest addition, she like to chase him around to show him who is boss.

Well.
I gots to get to the laundry because now that my hubby is home I have more to do than ever!


And I am out!

may 10: this, that, and the other one

Well, I am sitting here in boring Bradenton, Florida waiting to take Helen Ellen to the dr's. Bradenton is not the cultural meca of the universe you might think it is; actually I think it is the world's suckiest city!

Anywho...
As many of you know Carl-E and I are moving back to O-Town in the summer. Of course we cannot wait for the cooler days of my favorite season, fall. No! It has to be the blazing hot days of the year! At least, we do not have to do all the moving ourselves, I did convince him that we are no longer in college and we cannot pay our friends in pizza and beer to move us we need to hire a company. Yippy, that I do not have to lug the couch out to the UHaul!!!

So...
We are trying to sell our house using Buy Owner, and so far no go!!! I have had 4 calls on the house; one call the lady rudely hung up on me once she heard the price, the other people wound up being my nosy neighbors who are looking to "down-size," and the others could not stop oooing and awwwing over my casa, but no offers. Basically this Buy Owner things sucks!!! I want an agent like yesterday hate having to be home and waiting with baited breath for the phone to ring. I feel like I am back in high school waiting for my weekly crush to ring me up, but it never happens!!! I am experiencing that lowly feeling of rejection all over again. I find myself asking, well myself, "Isn't my house pretty enough?",and "What does the house down the street have that mine does not?" I guess I will have to wait for that one special buyer that will look past my casa's exterior appearance and see it for what it really is; a beautiful home.

And I am outta here!

April 20: Tea for 78 Please

Good morning, tators! Well it is overcast and a bit rainy in the ATL. I do not mind, because I have a whole bunch on the CP (NOTE: That's "Carrieann's Plate" that Carl-E creates at the beginning of the week) that needs to be done indoors. Casa Gillert should go on the market by next week; look out O-Town I am getting close to coming back!!!

Well...
As far as Dublin, the rest of the trip went well, except for Friday. It poured, cats, dogs, sheep, and cattle. In addition, Carl-E had to work. Yes, I said, "Work!" Well, his Blackberry charge was gone and he had to use the hotel phone to call the US at $50 a pop! Thank goodness he gets reimburse for that because he made about 10 calls.

But...
before he was going to make his 11th call, I had an idea about the Blackberry. I went to the front desk and asked if they had a charger. They did, but it did not work with his Blackberry; it was that whole European voltage change thingy. But, the front desk did inform me that we did have an "American" outlet in our room. So, like usual I saved the day and a bunch of money!

Anywho...
The following week back, I had a tea with my woman's club. Now, I did not want to be in charge, but somehow I got suckered in and I did have a so-called co-chair. The tea was scheduled for Sunday, with decorating on Saturday. Now, we had no budget left for flowers, so one of the members suggested we clip flowers from "around town." I was like "No way am I going all James Bond-style snipping flowers." So, as far as I was concerned we had no flowers for center pieces, and my co-chair had no suggestions either; what a help she was.

Come Saturday...
I get to the place to decorate. Everyone is supposed to be there at 1. Being Miss Punctuality I got there at 12:30. I begin to fold the damn napkins (NOTE: I had to do 100), and time begins to tick by...finally at 1:30 the other start to show up. And one had buckets and buckets of flowers. She actually drove around and cut other people's flowers in the middle of the night!!!

So...
Now we are jammin on the decorating. The flowers actually looked nice, despite that fact that they are stolen! I go into the kitchen to test out the new burners to boil the water for the tea. The burners are electric and heat water super-duper fast. I look for the pots, and cannot find them. Well, you need pots to boil water. So, I ask one of the other ladies, let's call her "Know-All" informs me that there are no pots and I will have to bring one from home. Ok then, no test run!

Now...
it is Sunday. We are supposed to be at the house by 12:30 because that is when the caterer is to show up. Well, just like Saturday I am the only one on time. Armed with my huge chili pot, I am ready to see these burners in action. I fill the pot, put it on top of the burner, turn on the burn and wait for the magic to begin; and nothing, except for a "F9" message. And if you do not know, F9 means error!!! So, now I start to freak out just a tad.

I walk...
myself up to the house manager and ask her if she knows how to work the burners. She just stairs at me with a blank look and then blurts "The burners have not worked since they were installed and 'Know-All' knows all about it" Ok that 411 I could of used YESTERDAY!

So...
a sudden calm comes over me and I sit on the stairs and basically say, "Fuck it!" No tea, only punch and water. Then, Know-All shows up and inquires why I am just sitting on the steps, so I relay the story to her. She just answers, "Oh" and then informs me that the pot I have is the wrong type; you can only use stainless steel. I own two pots, for for chili and one for soup, neither is stainless steel.

Ok...
I am thinking; this is ridiculous. Next, an hour late is my so-called co-chair. And why was her tush and hour late? She was busy trying on dresses at Dillard's and could not find one she liked, so she had to go all the way back home to get another dress for the tea. And, she had the nerve to ask me why I am sitting on the stairs. So, I relay the story to her. She replies with, "So what are you going to do?" To which I respond, "Nothing, we will have no tea, oh well."

Because ...
I am not a quitter, I walk into the kitchen and begin talking with the caterer. I tell her my tale of woe, and she comes up with an idea; let's use the coffee urns to make tea. Now, I know that the tea will have a slight coffee taste, but by this point I do not give two craps. The other ladies got their panties in a wad when they found out we are making tea in the coffee urns. To which I think, "Do you have a better idea?" To which I already knew the answer, "No!"

The ...
day was saved. The tea was a success, all thanks to moi!!!!

And I am out!

April 8: Thursday

Good morning to ya!!! Well, I have been home almost 4 days and I think I am still feelin jet lag; is that possible? My tired butt cannot get motivated to do anything today. But, I know how you all hangin by a thread to hear more about my trip, so I will not let you wait with baited breath anymore (NOTE: That would be very, very, cruel of moi)

So...
On Thursday, we ventured out to the Malahide Castle. It was a bus trip outside the city, so we got to see some of the country side. While getting out of the city, our bus driver told us we were passing through the ghetto and not to travel in part of town EVER!

Well...
I was expecting gun fights with AK-47's in the streets, car bombs blowing up store fronts, and houses on fire with people jumping out of the windows. It was so nothing like that, at all! Actually, if that part of town is the ghetto, I wanted to see the rich part of the city because the streets must be paved with gold and diamonds rain from the sky every day at 3pm! The "ghetto" had clean streets, no graffiti, no boarded up windows, no gang bangers, nada! It should get the national award for the nicest ghetto, EVER!

We...
Arrive at the castle. It was magnificent with peacocks and peahens running around the grounds. We were able to take a tour of the inside of the castle and found out there are two ghosts that live there. I was hoping to get a glance, but I saw nothing but really old furniture and lots of portraits of men with poofy white hair. Oh well, maybe they were off having tea.

After...
the bus tour Carl-E and I decided to tour the Jameson factory. Now, I dislike, no hate scotch with the biggest passion, so I was not excited about going. But, I sucked it up because I knew my man wanted to go. So, we embarked on the tour of the distillery and at the end we received a free glass of Jameson with any mixer that we wanted. Well, in Dublin they drink it with cranberry and lime. With mucho coaxing, I decided that since I was in Ireland I would drink the whiskey like the Irish do. Well, your girl has new fancy cocktail to drink. It was so delish, that after the tour, Carl-E hit the bar and I ordered another one. If you never had Jameson try it with cranberry and lime; you will soon be like me; a very happy expert of fine Irish whisky! Yummy, yummy in my tummy!!!

And I am out!!!

Next time...
THE RAIN!!!

April5: Back from the Iland of Green

Hey there, tators! I am back from the Green Island and I feel like poo-poo! I do not know if it is jet-lag or that I am getting sick. I feel as if I got smacked up side the head with a stick.

Anywho...
Carl-E and I had a fabu time on our adventure to Dublin. It is a wonderful little city, where everyone is super nice; I mean over-the-top nice. I think it is illegal to be mean in that city. And if you are mean; NO GUINESS FOR YOU!!!

So...
Carl-E and I got to the airport on Tuesday night, rearing and ready to go, go, go!!! So, before we board the plane armed with sleeping pills and bottles of H2O, I head to the ladie's room or toilet as they say abroad (NOTE: I realy hate calling it a "toilet"). While I am entering the stall, I hear the phone ring next to me. Now, if the phone rings and you are in the middle of "something" do you answer it? Well, she did. Oh my!!!! I was so appalled that I actually said, "That is nasty!" I do not know if she heard me or not, but really?! Icky-icky!!!!

After...
Carl-E downed a few vodka tonics and I a couple red vinos and a sleeping pill a piece, we were on our way to La-La land and Ireland!!! When we awoke we had a less than palatable breakfast and luke warm coffee, and then an hour later, we were in Dublin!

We...
hailed a taxi, got to our hotel, and crashed! After a three hour nap, we hit the town running. It was so cold, tators! It was around 35 degrees; burrrrrrrrrrrr!!! But being the experienced travelers that we are, we packed accordingly and were toasty in our fleeces and wool sweaters. First was Trinity College to see the famous Book of Kells. They are so beautiful, much more than in person than any art history book can reproduce. The colors are so vivid and the gold is so reflective. You cannot believe how old these books are!!!

Next...
was the anthropology museum where we saw the bog bodies! So cool. The bog bodies are mummified bodies that were found in bogs (NOTE: Hence the name "bog bodies"). They are super old, like thousands and their skin looks like old leather purses!!! You can see their hair, teeth, and nails. Way too cool!!!

After...
we ran around town, we settled down for a few pints of yummy Irish cold beer (NOTE: YES!!! they serve their beer cold!!!) and got to talking to Eddie; the bar tender. His favorite word was the f-bomb, is almost 50, and lives with his parents still, but was as nice as could be. Poor Carl-E could barley understand him, so every time Eddie walked away to take care of another customer, I translated for him! We intended to have a few drinks, but we wound up staying for like 4 hours!!!! After our bellies were full of Irish food and beer, we stumbled back to our hotels, and feel fast alseep!!!

More later, tators, I've gotts a ton of laundry to do!!!

March 18: The Terrible Toe

Happy The-Day_After-St-Pat's Day!!! Well, I can assure you that I did not partake in any beer o'green. The temptation was there, but I resisted. Yes, tators I do have will power, except when it comes to shoes, and well LV's!!!

Speaking of shoes...
Right now I can only wear my Ugg boots and a pair of sneakers with a giant hole cut in the side of it (NOTE: These are called air condition shoes; term created by my foot doctor). I had an operation on my pinky remove bone spurs and to straighten it out. I am so jonesin to wear my new strappy wedges, but they will have to wait until the swelling goes down.

Also...
I am supposed to not run for another week or two. But, your girl was B-A-D!!! On Sunday, there was a 5k race that I signed up for WAY before I knew I would have to have my operation. My intention was to walk the 5k because I was craving aerobic exercise. But, when I got there, I got so caught up in the moment; the crowd, the music, the free green beads since it was a St. Patty Day themed race. Up until seconds before the gun sounded, I was still going to walk.

And then...
BANG! And it was as if my feet took over, for they did not walk; they ran! I was running and thought, "I really should not be doing this!" But, I was a naughty girl and did. And it felt so good to be bad!

Now...
My time totally sucked but I did not care. I RAN!!!! It was the first time in three weeks. I swore to myself that I was not going to tell anyone because I knew I would get a lecture.

However...
When Carl-E got home from his trip, he asked me about the race. And, well, catholic guilt got to me and I blurted out that I ran the race. Well, did I get a tongue lashin from him. I just stood there with my head down, but I did have a smile across my face!!!!

And I am out...

4 March: To Be Continued....

Well tators, you girl has been MIA, because I had an operation on my little pinky toe (NOTE: Right foot). I had to have naughty bone spurs removed. I came through it with flying colors, but now I have stitches and cannot run for a couple of weeks; boo-hoo for moi!!! I am so antsy is is crazy, I cannot clean my casa one more time!!!

Anywho...
Let me continue my story about my courage cruise...
So, we dock at Cozumel and get ready to hit the Tulme ruins. They are truly fabu and there are these glorious iguanas everywhere. I so wanted to take one home, but I think customs would have a different idea and I do not think Sophie would want one in the cabin.

After...
The ruins we decide to partake in the dollar Cornas and some local yummy-yums. While we were waiting for our nosh, we heard "Some one help me" We sprung from our table and Sophie jumped into action. The man at the table next to us was having a heat attach. She quickly assessed the situation and started barking orders like a general. She had all of us doin various stuffs to help save this man. And we did!!! The ambulance came and took him to the hospital and we earned one more gold star to get into those pearly gates.

So...
we were emotional spent from the occurrence that we could not eat our food, so we took our adult beverages to go and went shopping. But, we had to get back to the boat. See, where we got off the boat was not were we were returned after the ruins tour. And no one from the boat could tell us what time we had to be back, so we were racing against the clock to get our little treasures and get our asses back on the boat. After a cab ride, we found the boat and got back on safe and sound.

Well...
The rest of the trip was fantastic, and I had a blast. I cannot wait until Las Vegas next year; it will never be the same!!!

And I am off to gimp around!

Later!!!

16 Feb: And the First Day There Was...

Hola, toators! I am back from my second Theta Cougar Cruise. And all I have to say that a fun-tastico time was had by all. However, the cruise almost did not happen because of Mother Nature. She was havin herself a tizzy for some reason and snowed all over the Northeast. This, my little amigos, was not good because all my sister live there! My phone and email was blowin up more than a hot chick after a Saturday night at a bar. My sistas needed to get out, but how???

So...
New arrangements were made and everyone except for one sista made the cruise. She was snowed in DC. One sista had to fly from NYC to Ft. Lauderdale, take a shuttle to Miami, and then fly over to Tampa. I tell ya that nothin can stop a Theta when she needs to do something, well except maybe lots of snow...

We...
boarded the boat and headed straight to the bar. We used our womanly charms to work free drinks and then headed to our cabins to unpack and get ready to part-thay!!! The first day was full of laughter and fun!

The next day...
was a day at sea. My sista Carla was a judge at for the sexy legs contest, and boy did she get down and funky with every contestant. I tell you she can shake her grove thang!!! In addition to the sexy legs contest, she and Sabrina played corn hole (NOTE: It is a bean bag game), and totally entertained the boat with their goofy antics. No one can say that us Thetas do not bring the par-thay!! Sophie and I hung back an took incriminating photos (NOTE: These may NEVER surface).

But that night...
the seas were a tad bit rough and everyone was dropin like flies. My poor sistas were greener than a Benjamin and your girl was the only one that did not fall ill to the likes of the sea or the brown drink (NOTE: That's Captian to you). Instead of booze a flowin, the Dramanie was being downed followed by numerious shots of H2O and crackers.

Luckly...
The next day was on land and we had a full day of ruins and shoppin.

Stay tunned...
Find out what happens at the Mexican restuant, where the boat went and why roulett is the game!!

Later!!!

6 Feb: This, That, and The Other

Howdy, tators! Well, as usual my week was anything but boring. So, let's dive right in, shall we?!

- I am going on my annual cruise with my lovely sisters of Theta Beta Gamma to Mexico; the land that gave us salsa and Corna! So, in order to go on this trip, your girl needed a new ensamble; which includes swim attire. Now, my teeny-weeny bikini days are long gone. But, I am not ready for the granny panties either! So, I settled on a swim skirt with a halter top and a fabu caftan to use while I am lounging in the sun. BUT, when my suit can in it was not a suit at all but two pairs of 4t jeans! Now, I now I am petite, but come on! So, your girl had to spring in A-C-T-I-O-N and re-order everything and have it over nighted. Let's hope that I do not get more jeans. (NOTE: NO, I did not call and complain yet, I am saving that bit of Jersey-ness for Monday!)

- Carl-E's SUV is being fixed because we hit a rouge piece of drywall on the highway. So, he had a loaner, for a few days but needed to trade it in for a rental car (NOTE: I do not know why they just could not let us have the loaner for the whole time, something to do about policy). Well, Carl-E announces that I have to take the loaner back because he has a meeting. Now, this caused me to cancel my workout session; boo-hoo! But, being the fabu wife that I am I took the loaner back and then got the rental. And then, it hit me like a ton of bricks...Carl-E's work is 2, count them 2 minutes from the dealership, so why could he take the loaner back during lunch??? Well, being the not-so-smart-at-that-moment-person I figured out that he did not want to drive the rental!!! So, now I am stuck with a G6. It is a hoot, because it is so big I can barley see down the hood. Oh, well everyone look out!


And I am outta here!!!

19 Jan: Bagels and Bull-Shite!!!

Good day, tators! Well, I think that I am living in a dream...It is 60 fabu degrees, the sun is a shinning is warm goodness, and the birdies are a singing a sweet song. Yesterday, I was driving with my windows down in my car and enjoying every minute of it. However, I am sure the nightmare of gloomy Hot-Lanta winter weather is going to return, oh too soon.

Anywho...
Let's continue the story of Mad Marj's visit. Well, the next day I got up early and decided that I was going to tire HER out so SHE could not start any trouble. And, because my trainer killed me at the gym on Wednesday and running was not an option because everything from my waist down was in total achy pain, I made of up my mind that I would take HER for a very long walk; 3.1 miles.

Well...
the walk was successful; and SHE was pooped the rest of the day. All SHE really wanted to do was watch her soaps and talk on the phone to HER ex-husband that still lives with her (NOTE: Do not even ask!). So, I rinsed and repeated the whole walk thing the next day (NOTE: I still could not run because I still could not feel my lower limbs!). And it worked again!!! All my mortal life I searched for the secrete to wearing HER out so SHE could not bee-otch and all I had to do was walk her like a dog. Who knew?!

But...
Saturday, I was ready to run, barley, and SHE dug HER heals in and refused to walk anymore. So, Carl-E and I went for a run, and after that we decide to pick up breakfast.

And this is where everything fell apart...
I called HER up to ask HER what SHE wanted for breakfast. To which SHE replied a well done plain bagel. Now, from experience I know that SHE likes HER bagels practically charred. However, I also know from my travels that Einstien's does not make any bagel well done. I tried to explain to HER that HER bagel would not be well done. "Not Well Done" must of been the magic phrase because SHE flipped. "I WANT A WELL DONE BAGEL!!!" I tried to calm HER down, but if did not work, she just kept going on and on about how SHE knows that they have well done bagels, etc. etc. etc. I held the phone away from my ear so that Carl-E could partake in the ass-chewing I was receiving. Why should I have all the fun, right?!

So...
When we get to the shop, there was not a nearly well done bagel to be found. When we got home, the shee-ite hit the fan. SHE started yelling about how I did not try to get HER a well done bagel, and that I am disrespectful to HER, and blah, blah, blah!!! I just stood there and thought "What the fudge?!" And then, Carl-E stepped in and told HER that we did our best and SHE piped down. There is a God!!!

The plan...
for HER last day was to go to the movies. While at the movies (NOTE: DO not see Sherlock Holmes; it sucked), SHE huffed and puffed through the whole movie (NOTE: Due to these noises I just knew the bagel issue was not dead). When we get home, SHE brings the whole bagel issue up again, and then that leads into HER dragging up things from the past, such as how I could not wait to leave home as soon as I turned 18 (NOTE: True), and how I really did not want to see HER (NOTE: Kind of true) and so on and so forth. I just sat there slack jawed, and then my blood began to boil. Carl-E must of sensed something was going to go down because he tapped HER on the shoulder and told HER to calm down. SHE stopped talking but SHE continued to glare at me with rage in HER eyes!

The...
rest of the night I was quiet because every time I went to open my mouth Carl-E shot me a look as to say, "Do not go there!" SHE was pretty quiet too, except when she was gabbing to HER ex-husband (NOTE: They talk at least 8 times a day, and about what; who knows?!).

Next Morning...
SHE left really early, too early to start in again; at least I thought. As SHE was leaving SHE turned to me and said, "I know they have well done bagels!," and got in HER car. Damn HER for getting the last word!!!

Stick a fork in me because I am DONE!!!

17 Jan: Only The Strong Survive!!!!

Bon Jour mes tators!!! Well it is Sunday, And I am proud to announce that your girl survived the visit of Mad Marj. There was a few shaky moments that I thought that my time on this mortal coil was over. However, I looked deep into my inner self and summoned the power to prevail; GO ME!!!

So...
Mad Marj arrived in a whirl-wind of furry and suitcases late Wednesday night. Why was SHE in such a tizzy? Because SHE got lost coming to moi casa.

Let's jump in our time machines; no pushing or shoving please...
Mad Marj was supposed to arrived around 8pm. Carl-E was not feeling too hot, so he took an Ambine and was off to La-La Land before the big hand was on the 8. So, this left me alone to face HER.

Well...
I was waiting, and waiting and waiting for HER to arrive. But the later it got, the more sleep-weepy I got; the eyes started to slowly close and the mouth began to go slack. And then my BlackCherry rang; when I looked at the time it was close to 10!!!

I...
answered my BlackCherry with a raspy, "Hello" and the response I received was "I AM LOST AND YOU DO NOT EVEN CARE BECAUSE YOU DID NOT CALL!!!" (Note: I used all caps to emphasise the wailing that was coming through the phone and slamming into my little precious ears). I apologized and said I would guide HER to my house.

However...
SHE could not tell me the major highway SHE just got off of. Now, tators, there are only two that SHE could of got off of; 400 and 85. But, in HER fantasy of madness, all SHE could keep yelling was how lost SHE was. I tried to calm HER down, but that fell on deaf ears.

Finally...
After 20 minutes of HER driving in circles (I assume), I finally got HER to pull over and describe to me what SHE saw. All SHE could get out is "I AM DOWNTOWN; THERE ARE BIG BUILDINGS EVERYWHERE!!!" I assured HER, the SHE was not downtown, but what the hell do I know, I only live in Hot-Lanta. After another 10 minutes of describing HER surroundings, my Spidey sense kicked in and I used the power of deductive reasoning to conclued HER location, because I am smart like that, ya know?!

Then...
When SHE finally recognized her surroundings, SHE got off the phone. I breathed a sigh of relief because I thought the crisis was over. WRONG!!! When SHE finally arrived, SHE was whipped in to a tail spin; ranting and raving about the traffic, the long ride (NOTE: Did I forget to mention that SHE drove by HERSELF from NJ?), and everything thing in between. I tried to tell her that Carl-E was asleep and to lower HER voice, but that did not work. However, my husband was out like a drunk after 8 bottles of vodk aand could not be woken by any sound, no matter how earthshaking it was. To be honest, I just could not take the screaching anymore.

Next...
I grabbed HER bags and brought them upstairs. Then I gently nudged HER up the stairs to HER room and said, I'll see ya in the morning." And then, I high tailed it to my room to get much needed quiet.


Next time...
The bagel that just would not die.

Holla at your girl!!!
Later fo' sho'

12 January: Flats

Hola tators! Well, we got some snow and ice here in Hot-Lanta. And "yes" your girl cannot drive in the snow! I was at a restaurant eating with some friends, and when it came time to pay the check, the server says, "Are you parked out back?" To this I reply, "Why yes!" She just gives me a look at worry and says, "Be carful getting out."
Now...
While we were eating an icky snow was falling. What I mean by icky is not that pretty large fluffy flakes that gently float to the Earth and kiss the ground, but those have frozen, half flakes, half rain snow that only makes brown snow when it hits the ground and turns to slick and slippery ice.
So...
We venture outside to my auto, pile in, and off we go; well that's what I thought! As I tried to get up the hill, my tires began to spin and spin and spin. And then, I started to go backwards. So quick like a bunny, I through on the emergency break and stop my car right before it slams into the car behind me. So, I circle the parking lot trying to get some speed behind me, but it was wash, rinse and repeat all over!
Next...
These guys were taking out the trash and saw me in my dilemma. So, they decided to get behind me and push, but that was not working and I was afraid that I was going to run one over and then I would have to pay his widow and his kids with all my LV's!!!
So...
We told them thanks but no thanks. And I gunned it one more time around the parking lot, and slowly but surly I made it out. Yippy for moi!!!

5 nights later...
I am out to dinner with another friend, and we are waiting at valet for the car (NOTE: Almost every restaurant has valet, I was not being fancy fancy pants).

But...
When he pulled up with my car, I noticed that I had a flat!!! Now, I have never changed a flat tire before; basically I know what to do but never actually did it. But, we batted our eyes at the valets and they jumped into A-C-T-I-O-N! They got the car jacked up, lug nuts were loosened, and then they were trying to take the tire off. But it would not budge.
And then...
They realized it was the emergency break keeping the tire on, so they released and BOOM! The jack slips and the car crashes down. So, they had to go through all the motions again and finally they changed the tire, YEAH!!! Luckily I have a full size spare, so I can drive like forever on it!!
:)

And I am out!
Stay warm!

4 Jan 2010: Long Time; No See

Hey tators! I know it has been a looooong time, and one of my new years resolutions is to bring the blog back! So, let me start by telling you some 2009 holiday tales:

- If you remember the blueberry pie story; you will have a chuckle about this. Hellen Ellen offered us breakfast, but they were frozen bagels. Now these bagels were stuffed under mounds and mounds of frozen zip lock baggies of mangos. Helen Ellen has a mango tree and refuses to toss any of the fruit so she cuts it up and frezzes it. But, she does not date any of the bags, so you have no idea how old any of the mango are. Carl-E said he would pass, and she got so mad that she started on her tirate on that they are still "gooood". But, Carl-E stood his ground and did not eat the frozen bagels; you go baby! (NOTE: THe bagels were purchased in December 2002; I do not kid)

- During Thanksgiving Carl-E and his friend went to a wine bar. We sat next to this man, who I thought had a speach problem. But, he was just really wasted and Irish. Well, him and his wife decided that we were their new bestfriends and would not stop talking to us. At first, they were ok, but then the husband asked me if I had any children. When I said no, he asked me "Does your equipment work?" at that point I hit Carl-E's leg as the sign to leave! Can you beleive?! Oh and he also said he invented the Smurfs, too. Ya right!!!

- While on the way to my Nanny's house for Christmas Eve, we got a flat. Not one person stopped to help us; Christmas spirirt my ass! But, Calr-E in true "A Christmas Storyy" fashion changed that sucka faster than a girl taking off her prom dress!

Well, that's it for now. Until next time my beloved tators, see ya!