Happy "National Cornchip Day," tators. Now, I because I did not indulge in cornchips today I am affraid that 5-O might come-a knock, knock, knocking on my door. Maybe I should pay homage to the oh-chip-of-corn by consuming its more tastier cusin, the potato chip. However, if I do that I might get a ticket for "Illegally Utilizing One Greasy Snack Food to Impersonate Another High Calorie Treat." Honestly, I do not think I can handle another tango with the poe-poe.
Now...
That the events of Monday night are behind me, like last spring's jelly shoes and I am totally over my self-induced frenzy, I can retell the story with a sense of humor. I am so happy that I have the ability to laugh at myself, because everyone else does, too!
So, here we go; hold on folks...
Carl-E and I had dinner with his girlfriend, Ron and another associate. We had a lovely time; I had the lobster special, the other three had shrimp and grits. Now, I do not like grits; I'm from Jersey it is oatmeal all the way baby. I believe it is made from the same material as a cornchip but like the parts that are not good enough to become a Fritto, kind of like how pieces/parts are used for chicken nuggets.
Anywho...
During my lobster feast, I part took in a few glasses of vino; a mellow Shiraz. Carl-E had his usual drink of choice; Ketle One and tonic. Now, tonic is whole other thing that I just do not get. By itself it tastes like nothing if nothing tasted really nast-ee!
Well...
After dinner Carl-E and I headed home. We had separate autos, because the restaurant is closer to his office than our casa. So, there I am zippin’ down the road singing my little heart out to Prince (NOTE: Hot-Lanata's radio station S-U-C-K big time; so I am reduced to listen to CD's because my IPod adapter; well that sucks too. Maybe it is time for a new ride so I can get satellite radio, HD radio, IPod plug-in thingy, and a CD player. I do have my eye on the 600 convertible or maybe I finally get my dream car, the car of heaven, the Carrera!)
So...
I am jammin to Prince, when I see flashing lights in my rearview mirror, and not like disco lights but the law lights. Like a law abiding citizen, I pull over so the officer can apprehend the criminal that is doing bad-bad things. But, to my super-duper surprise, the police car was behind ME! Automatically, my mind started to go into over drive; "Was I speeding?" (NOTE: This I know is impossible because I rarely go over the speed limit, because there is so much traffic), next I was like "Was my music too loud?" (Note: Do people even get pulled over for this anymore?). I had no clue what I did.
And then...
My blackcherry starts a winkin' at me; it was Carl-E asking if I was pulled over. And then the next text, "EAT MINTS; CHEW GUM!" So, I start diggin’ in my LV, get the mint tin which proceeds to explode all over my seat, I begin choppin’ on mints while flicking the spilt mints off my seat and kicking them under my seat, because they are white and little, like oh PILLS! The officer comes over and asks if I know why I was pulled over, well in my head I was all sorts of attitude and like, "How the f*%$ should I know, bee-otch! You bests step off because I ain’t playin’" But, to her face I shyly whisper, "No, officer." And then she asked for my ID, insurance and registration.
But...
As Beyonce would say, "Do the uh oh, do the uh oh!" Guess who forgot her fabu lime green LV wallet in her gym bag? So, there I am with no ID, no proof of insurance, and no registration. Next, my minds starts to go; "I am wearing stilettos when I get arrested. Will they give me three-sixes-too-big flip flops to wear? Thank goodness I just had a pedi." "Will someone steal my LV while I am in the slammer and try to replace is with some broke-ass K-Mart blue light special handbag that has 'C's' and 'D's' instead of 'L's' and 'V's'?" "Will I have to wear that hideous orange jumpsuit, because I do not look in orange? Coral is much more flattering to for my complexion." While the movie of my arrest is playing in my head with NWA playin’ for the soundtrack (NOTE: I totally need gansta rap to set the mood), I see Carl-E.
Yippy-skippy...
Here comes my knight in a shinny x5! He gives the officer the copy of the insurance card and verifies who I is, but then a little light goes off in my head and it flashing in bright yellow, neon tubing; GUN! GUN! The duce-duce and 45 were in his trunk, because we were supposed to go to the range, but instead we did yard work. While the officer is doing whatever she needs to do on her computer, another officer pulls up. Now, I am starting to feel really sick. Mean while, Carl-E keeps textin’ me, "Eat mints!" And, I am textin’ him “The guns! The guns!” And he texts, “I got it” And I text, “I feel sick” And he texts, “Eat mints!” I really thought I was going to lose it all over my new Vince sweater.
And then...
We are asked to get out of our cars. We are told that our tags are expired (NOTE: They are not because the little sticker says 'June 09'), that we do not have insurance (NOTE: The card Carl-E had had both our names for both cars and the expiration date said 'June 09'). Now, was I stuck in a flash forward? (NOTE: That's for all my Lost-ees), because last time I checked it was only January, I mean they both start with the letter “J” but one has way more letters. Instead of pointing out that she was WRONG-O, I let it go. You have to pick your battles, ya know?!
In the end…
We are both were handed tickets; I got two because I had no ID. So, we both have to go to court, were the tickets will be tossed out, because we were right and the coppers’s computer was misinformed. But the upside to all of this drama, I need to purchase a wallet for every bag so I’ll never forget my 411 again. Wait until Carl-E gets that bill!
“Ladies you can call it a fitness pole, but at the end of the day it is still a stripper pole.”
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