Happy Chinese New Year, Tators! It is the year of the Ox. If you were born in 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997 then you, speak little, and inspire confidence in others. You tend, however, to be eccentric, and bigoted, and you anger easily. You have fierce tempers and although you speak little, when you do you are quite eloquent. Ox people are mentally and physically alert. Generally easy-going, you can be remarkably stubborn, and hate to fail or be opposed. You are most compatible with Snake, Rooster, and Rat people.
So, sorry Oxens, I cannot play with you for I am a dog. Arf! Arf!
With that said...
G'Day Mates it's "National Australia Day" too! So, chat up your favorite bloke, grab a couple of Foster oil cans, and enjoy a bloomin' onion, some shrimp on the barbie, and a finish it all of with a chocolate thunder from down unda! No rules, just right!
Well...
Yesterday, my trigger finger was a itchin'. I wanted to go to the range really bad. I have not gone in a way-long time, so after my run I began to plant the seeds of a visit to the range. I figured that I would much more successful with this request than I was with the request for a new LV a couple of weeks ago; that was shot down faster than an ugly girl at the begining of a night at a bar.
While enjoying a yummy-in-my-tummy yogurt and a spicy but mellow cafe from Einsteins, I started droppin' subtle hints, such as "Hey let's go to the range today! and "You know what I would really like to do today, go to the range" But, Carl-E did not catch on, because he said, "Let's work in the backyard."
So...
An hour later, with a rake in hand, I am corralling old leaves into huge piles (NOTE: I did not have any large black bags, o the piles are still out there getting wetter and wetter with the rain). Carl-E was playin' Paul Bunyan and trimin' trees without the help of Babe. Thank goodness I had the company of those slamin' twins; Ying and Yang to help me overcome the boredom that was setting in from the manual labor. (NOTE: I do have a lawn guy; Glen. And, he is fabulous. And, we pay him. And, he normally does all the work we were doing. So why were we doing it? WHO THE HELL KNOWS! I'll have him pick up the pile; hee hee!)
Next...
I had the assignment of scrubin' the jacuzzi cabinet, and sweepin' the patio. After I completed my duites, I decided to go inside and get cleaned up, so I could go food shopin'. And doing so, I locked Carl-E out of the house. Now this was NOT done on purpose, maybe subconsciously because I really wanted to go to the range, but not on purpose.
While I was...
getting ready for my exciting exploration of the land of produce, Carl-E was frantically ringin' the door bell and knockin' on the door; none of this noise I hear. I was not ignorin' him, I just did not hear him. During his attempt to get in the house, our next door neighbor came over. I have spoke of Broke Back before. But, for those of you who do not know of him, let's have a recap, shall we?
He's does not play for the other team, but he loves shoes. Zappos is always delivering to his casa. He drives a Lamborghini that's very loud, very red, and very squashed looking, refers to women as broads, prefers bleach blonds over sneaky brunettes (NOTE: His words to me, and I am a brunette), does not Catholics because his ex-wife is one and they are sneaky (NOTE: That's two sneaky points for moi!), is from Jersey, and pretty much keeps to himself.
During the day...
BB always sits on his back porch, smokes cigars (NOTE: And other stuff!) and talks on his phone using speaker, because he works from home. Now twice a day, I go in the garage to feed Neptune, Saturn, and Biggin' Lily. And being the good mommy that I am, I talk in a baby voice to them, because we all know that cats understand baby-talk. We have full conversations about how handsome they are, how big they are getting, how much I love them, etc. etc. Anyone listing to me would think I am certified!
So...
Carl-E and Broke Back began to started to chat about our new neighbor (NOTE: She is 28, daddy is a big developer, he purchased the 1 million dollar home for her, and she put up a very high fence for security purposes because she is "someone" Her words to Broke Back while explaining the ridiculous fence). Next,they started talking about the kitties. BB told Carl-E that he likes having the babies around because they keep the rodents away. And then he said, that the cats would not come to him. Carl-E said that they only come to me. And then my neighbor says, "I can hear her talking to the cats and it must be her sweet voice."
Now...
I know I do not have a sweet voice, because if I did I would be making serious bank singin' "Tightrope" (NOTE: You have to watch "The Real Atlanta Housewives" to understand). And the only time my voice sounds even remotely sounded anything but loud and brass, was after a heavy night of partying and smoking, and then I got that sexy, whiskey, Kathleen Turner voice.
So...
When Carl-E told me all of this I began to fell icky, icky, and icky! He said I was being crazy and I should be flattered that someone liked my voice. I asked him what that was supposed to mean, and he just went in the house. Do you think he was trying to get me back for lockin' him out of the house?
Ok, I could not fit this def in my story because I have none of these, but for all the Baby's mamas, you will get a chuckle out of this. Actually, everyone will get a snicker:
Baby Goggles
A phenomenon where the parents of an ugly baby think their baby is adorable and no one else does.
Nancy: Here's our little bundle of joy! Isn't she just the cutest thing ever?!?
Lisa & Kate (after one look at Nancy's ugly baby): Ohhhh...! Yessss....
Lisa to Kate: I think Nancy has baby goggles - that's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!
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