Dec 23: Festivus for the rest of us!

Happy "Roots Day!" So, if you gots them dark roots a-rockin', break out the bleach and hit them bad boys! Sportin dark roots are so 1990's.
Wait a minute, maybe "Roots Day" isn't about hair, could it be about heritage?
Well, if that's the case, dig deep into your family closet and see what little goodies you discover, and then when you see your fam for Christmas, you use these little nuggets to really get the conversation going after everyone as dipped into the olde eggnog!
Oh the holidays...

Speaking of which...
Yesterday, I ventured to, WAL-MART! Now, all my life I have never lived closer than 5 miles from a Wal-Mart. And this, tators was totally by design. I love me some Target, but the Big W scares me. Maybe it is because the super stores are way too super; as in big. And, they sell too many things; no focus like Louis Vuitton. Well, what ever the fear, I try to stay far, far,away. The last time I stepped my Tory Burch clad size 6 foot in a Wal-Mart was to apply for funding for AARF (NOTE: AARF is a wonderful animal rescue here in Hot-Lanta that I volunteer for). Now, because I am a giving person, I did not mind doing it for AARF, but for my family it is a totally different story.

So...
The ride to Wal-Mart should of taken, oh 15 minutes tops. But, since it is Hot-Lanta, it took 3x's as long, because it makes perfect sense to turn a two lane road into one lane to do work in the middle of the day. So, I whip into the almost full-to-capacity parking lot, and bee line for the front door. With the agility and spped of a jungle cat, a grab a shopping cart, and start gliding down the aisles, grabbing wrapping paper, Coke Zero, cat food and toys (NOTE: The babies needed a gift for their stockins), and dish detergent. Lastly, I grab two gift cards, which was the subject of my Wal-Mart mission.

And then...
I get in line, take out my eco-friendly tote bag (NOTE: Because I am all about savin' the Earth) to put my treasures in, hand the cashier my two gift cards and say, "$50 each please." Well, after oh 10,000 tries, the cashier informs me that the cards are defective (NOTE: Well, duh!). Out of all the friggin' cards in the whole mega-store, I pick the two; the two that do not work.

Now...
I bet even you can feel the heat from the peepers of the people in line behind me. I tired to exudes holiday cheer and smile my mega-watt too-much-beer-grin, but my friendliness was returned by frowns! Can you believe?! Now, the line is growing longer, the manager has to void my whole transaction, take everything out of my pretty tote, re-ring everything, get two new gift cards, and re-pack everything. From start to finish, I was at the register for 20 minutes! I knew as I left, people were wishing I would get it by a car on the way to my ride.

Well...
You might be asking, "Why did you have to get the gift cards?" Well, they are gifts for Helen Ellen and my monster-in-law (NOTE: We also got Helen Ellen Chanel #5, and I think I'll refer to my monster-in-law as "Sponge-Cindy-No-Cash," because she is constantly sucking bank for me). And, I had to get the cards before we left for O-Town, which was supposed to be this morning at 8am.

Let's talk about that...
Well, Carl-E threw his back out. Pop!goes his knee! Pop!goes his back! Pop!my brain! He can barley stand, let alone sit. So, Christmas is on hold, until...
I feel so bad for him.

Maybe I'll spritz on some Chanel #5 and go on a shopin spree at the Big-W, since all my Christmas gifts are at Helen Ellen's casa.

And then, maybe NOT!

Ho, ho, ho, everyone!

"Snap for the kids, snap for the kids, snap in a circle three times!"

Festivus

n. An alternative to the crass commercialization of Christmas, typically celebrated on December 23. It involves The Airing of Grievances (telling your family and friends all the ways they have disappointed you during the year) and does not end until the Feats of Strength (pinning the head of the family) are accomplished. A plain, metal pole is used in lieu of a Christmas tree, because decorations (such as tinsel) is distracting from the true meaning of the holiday.

A Festivus for the rest of us! -George Costanza